Besties lead to Bullies?

Last week, as I was getting ready for work, I was watching Good Morning America and they shared a piece about a woman who removed her child from preschool because the school banned the use of the word BFF.

I stopped what I was doing to watch the piece when Natalie walked in and began watching with me. She rolled her eyes as they explained that the use of the word BFF promotes cliques and leads to feelings of exclusion and bullying in some cases.

“Ridiculous right?” I asked her, curious as to what she had to say.

“Banning the word is not going to stop friendships from forming and they shouldn’t make a positive thing in school so negative.”

She is 100% correct.

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When did having BFF’s become a negative thing? I don’t know about you guys but my BFF’s helped me survive high school and beyond. My relationships with these women became so rooted that I don’t call them my Best Friends, I call them my Soul Mates. These relationships were formed in school and while yes, maybe people were intimidated or thought they may not have been part of the circle, it wasn’t intentional. It’s a part of life.

We keep removing the situations that build character and build personal strength and confidence.

Natalie then proceeded to tell me that the current senior class at her school would be the last to have seniors graduating in white and they would be the last class to have a valedictorian.

WTF.

What about these kids who have built their school careers in the hopes of graduating in all white and/or potentially being valedictorian? Is this not ridiculous? Why remove the competitive spirit? Will this competitiveness be removed from the workplace or real-life situations? NO, of course not.

We as a society complain about bullies but we are softening the future generations. Not all kids deserve a trophy at the end of the soccer season and the ones that do should shine, not because they are better people but because they have worked on their craft and/or they have god given talent.

You can’t excel in all aspects of life so where you do thrive you should be recognized.

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Let kids have best friends, let them enjoy their youth and form bonds that will help form them. Don’t be negative about positive things. Not everyone in life is going to like you and kids should learn that early on, it’s not mean, it’s real.

Why remove the reward from high school graduation? You are uninspiring our kids!

We are going to be stuck with a generation that lacks a competitive drive and whines about life not being fair because they were coddled and overprotected.

For the record, I understand not all situations are easy and some kids react differently to certain situations, this is why parents need to instill confidence in the home. I’m not an expert and my kids not perfect but she understands the concept of real life. She gets that no one is going to hand her an education or a paycheck, she is going to have to work for it and compete for top dollar.

Reality slaps you hard when you enter the real world, let’s not remove the core of what makes us able to stay standing.

These are my personal thoughts and opinions. I’d love to hear yours! Comment below!

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Who’s really being punished here?

We openly drink in our home, on weekends, during get-togethers, you know brunch and dinner type stuff.

My 17 YO daughter has been on restriction for the last two weeks, following an incident involving alcohol.

My guilt was getting the best of me, I thought to myself, maybe I’ve been a terrible influence, maybe I should stop. I even considered throwing out the alcohol we have in our home.

 

I pushed the guilt out of my head and decided that while I may be a weekend drinker,

mimosas with brunch

wine with dinner

a beer at a ball game

a margarita for happy hour

I’ve earned that right. I work hard and I provide so if I want to have a fuckin drink I will have a drink or two or three.

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She will not. Not until she is 21 and able to pay for her own alcohol.

As I pondered this I asked myself, who’s really being punished here?

Why do I feel guilty?

I feel suffocated, I gave her so much freedom, too much trust. It was easy for my boyfriend and me to escape on a Friday night and go have dinner and now, I don’t even want to leave her home alone for 20 minutes.

She hasn’t had her phone and it is like I have a toddler again.

All of the sudden she remembered she had a mom.

I can’t shower or pee without an interruption.

She says I’m being dramatic and Its not fair, she made a mistake and I’m going overboard.

“It’s not fair.”

She’s totally and absolutely right that it’s not fair.

It’s not fair that I can’t leave my 17-year-old home alone because I don’t trust her.

It’s not fair that I, her mother, had to drive her to the emergency room because I was terrified of what could have been in her system.

It’s not fair that I’ve lost a piece of my sanity, my peace of mind.

It’s not fair but it’s life.

I realize she is going to make these mistakes but it’s my job to ensure that these mistakes impact her life in a positive way, in a way that will teach a life lesson.

Your choices have consequences.

It’s been a long two weeks, for both of us.

This Mom Thing

Let’s talk about this mom thing

This make me wanna pull my hair out and scream thing.

This make me wanna cry thing

Throw a fit and throw up type thing.

Let’s talk about this mom thing, the thing that all women aspire to be, pray and hope for thing.

Let’s talk about how this mom thing ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

This mom thing.

This mom struggle.

This mom thing doesn’t get easier, shit just gets harder.

And yet somehow this mom thing is everything.

Don’t come into this light-hearted or you’ll fuck around and die broken-hearted.

This mom thing, mom to a teen thing, mom to a teen girl thing.

This mom thing is like karma striking and making you wish you would have been down with your own mom’s thing.

This mom thing making you feel gratitude, appreciation, and sorrow towards your own mom’s thing.

This mom thing, shit comes back around, making you understand this mom thing is a serious thing.

No bullshit and games, just real life type things.

This mom thing, it’s a for life thing.

To the woman who allowed my underage child to drink in her home.

What kind of mother are you?

To allow my child to be put at risk in your home.

To decide if she could have a drink or two or ten.

What kind of mother are you to allow another mothers child to be put in a situation where she cannot speak, stand, or be unconsciously unaware of her surroundings?

What kind of mother are you to watch a young woman drink in excess in a predominantly male environment?

What kind of mother are you to let her sit on your couch, unconscious and vulnerable?

 What kind of woman are you?

What kind of woman are you to watch and stand idly by, while another woman potentially endangers her life?

What kind of woman allows another woman to lower her self-awareness and not intervene?

What kind of woman is this?

The kind that becomes the type of mother who hasn’t got a clue.

The kind of woman who is the kind of mother who wants so desperately to be cool and young. Hip and in the crowd.

This is no real mother.

This is no real women.

She is a fraud.

A hazard.

A danger to womenkind.

A danger to your children and specifically to mine.

I could blame myself for allowing her to be in your home.

For trusting my child’s instincts.

I could blame myself but I blame you.

I am her mother.

She is my daughter.

How dare you put her future and her safety at risk!!

How dare you sit on the sidelines!!

How dare you influence her negatively!!

How dare you supply the evil that you supplied!!

How dare you not pick up the phone and call me!!

How dare you not intervene!!!

How dare you not call for help!!

You careless woman.

You careless mother.

What kind of mother are you?

I’m the kind of the mother that does not allow my child to be put at risk and sit idly by.

I’m the kind of mother that responds and reacts.

 A lioness full of fire.

 I’m the kind of mother whose child you should have never fucked with.

I’m the kind of mother who does not play childish games.

I’m the kind of mother who is an adult and capable of accepting that as an adult, I will handle the situation as such.

I’m the type of woman who does not care what it takes as long as justice is served for all women, specifically mine.

From the mother whose child, your recklessness put at risk.

I need a mom minute.

Sometimes I need a minute.

I’ll sit in my car before going into my home because I know my teen is in there, waiting for me. Waiting so that she can ruin the mood I’m in or alter the feelings twirling about.

Sometimes I need to be alone. I need to sit in my room, in the shower or on the toilet for just a minute without being bombarded with rants and complaints.

I’m literally in the shower for 2.5 seconds when the door opens and I hear, “Mom.”

I thought this shit would stop when she was old enough to make her own sandwich or look for her own lost whatever it is.

Then when I explode, because let us be real, no sane woman can go and go without combusting, I feel guilty.

I feel guilty for wanting to be alone.

I feel guilty for not wanting to hear her complaints or listen to her whine about things that are just not that serious.

I feel guilty for not wanting to be around her.

I feel guilty for typing all this.

The mom guilt gets the better of me and then I feel like shit for being a Bad Mom.

I never hear, “Thanks, mom.”

Just, “Thanks, mom.”

Not for buying her something or giving her something because I’m the best mom in the world when she’s gotten something from me that she wants but that, “thanks, mom.” for just being.

How about a fuckin thank you for just being your mom.

For giving you life.

For being your parent.

Am I wrong to want simple appreciation for what is?

Am I wrong for complaining?

Fuck no I’m not.

Mom guilt gets the best of me but why can I ignore my significant other when he pisses me off and not my child?

Why can I expressly be annoyed by him or his actions and not my childs.

We don’t want to hurt her feelings, what about my feelings?

I am a mom, I am a woman and I have feelings and emotions too.

Sometimes, sometimes, I just need a minute.

 

5 ways to strengthen the bond with your teenage daughter.

 

My daughter and I have a unique relationship, 15, that’s the number of years that divide us.  We have definitely grown in our relationship as mother and daughter and while being a teen mom was difficult, being a mom to a teen seems to be much more challenging. Over the years I have realized that there are plenty of things that keep our relationship solid. I am going to share 5 of them with you.

 

  1. Honesty – I know, we aren’t supposed to overshare with our teens but I have to come to realize over time that the more honest I am with her the more she gets it. And by it, I mean everything in general. Why can’t we upgrade our phones? Because I don’t have the funds to make that happen right now. She understands were not in financial crisis but that right now is not the time for that. Why am I cranky? Because I’m on my period and I just don’t have the patience right now. She gets it and respects it.
  2. Don’t Sugarcoat things – I don’t go out of my way to soften the blow in regards to life and reality. Too harsh? No, her teacher’s aren’t sugar-coating anything for them as they shouldn’t and life is surely not going to do it for her. She has a thick skin and it takes a lot to break her. I am the type of mom that tells her how it is. Why can’t she borrow my shirt? Because her boobs are bigger than mine and she’ll stretch it out. It’s not giving her a complex when I sit down and explain the reality of it. We’re not all shaped the same. Why can’t we get fast food? Maybe because we’ve overdone it this last week and we need a break. Again, it’s not about giving her a complex, it’s about letting her know that her body is and will react to the fast food influx.
  3. Understand her – They live in a different time. If we’d had the power to face time at our age…God only knows. All the questions and curiosity they have can be answered by the phone they can’t live without. Remember that your situation as a kid might differ from hers. For example; I grew up having both my parents and 2 siblings. My daughter has only ever lived with me, had an absent father most of her life and no siblings. Things are not the same and if I take the time to remember and understand that it makes for a more productive argument, no such thing? I beg to differ.
  4. Drink coffee together (or eat together) – We’re coffee drinkers in my house so my kid and I regularly have coffee dates. It’s come to the point where she will invite me for coffee. We sip our coffee and talk about school and the future. She’ll tell me her concerns and her ideas and I’ll tell her what I think, honestly and without sugar-coating things. She takes the compliments and the constructive criticism for what they are. And yeah, sometimes she doesn’t like what I have to say and she reacts but she is a teen. She’s learning and growing.
  5. Workout together – Sweat it out together. One of the healthiest things we do together is working out. There are nights we go for a walk, and while she has one headphone in she still talks my ear off. Which is ultimately the goal. There are times where we workout together and we both have our headphones on and we’re zoned out but we’re still together. That being the point.

 

These work for me and her, they might differ for you and yours and that’s ok. The point is to spend time with your teen and be real. My daughter knows I am not perfect, I don’t pretend to be. She knows her mother is a real woman who is flawed and equally beautiful in those flaws, as is she and all women. What fun things do you do with your teen?

Stay home with me.

On occasion, I allow my daughter to stay home from school because I miss her.

Time goes by way too fast. It doesn’t feel like it was that long ago that my baby was learning to walk.

I see her day in and day out but I don’t always SEE her.

She told me one time,

“Just because you’re here with me doesn’t mean you’re spending time with me.”

Words of wisdom from my mini-me.

She never hesitated to tell me how it was, occasionally hurting my feelings. Long gone are the days of Barbie’s and Cheetah Girls.

“I’m ready,” she says as she walks into my room early in the morning.

“Stay home with me.” I’ll mumble.

She quickly climbs on the bed with me. Sometimes we lay on the bed and just talk, other times we fall asleep together until mid-afternoon, waking up together, going for coffee together.

Occasionally I need her, to see her and be with her.

Mommy Dearest

When I was 15 years old I went and got myself pregnant.

Not really, obviously I didn’t get myself pregnant but that how it’s felt most of my life. (Literally most of my life, I’ve now been a mother for longer than not) Yikes.

This is not going to be a complaint rant I promise but if it is so what, my platform!

My sweet ray of sunshine will be 17 this weekend and I can’t get over it.

17 years ago I gave birth to my best friend.

SHUT UP.

Lets be real, while she is my nearest and dearest she is also a huge pain in my ass.

I have parented this child all by myself for 17 years!!

We have gone through a shit storm to get to where we are now and her life is only truly beginning!

Being a mom is so hard, especially when you have a selfish persona, like sharing my food is so hard….relax, she always has her own food when I don’t share.

I’m just saying, 17 years of life.

I was there when she took her first steps to the first time she got caught smoking weed.

We battled and we had break downs  but I love this girl more than life itself.

I might not always like her but I always love her.

Her dad is not a factor, never really has been. From the moment that fool found out about her he’s been a yoyo, back and forth. No stability in her life.

It wasn’t a shocker to me that when she was 8 years old and I decided to relocate us, he didn’t say shit.

I got the “You can’t take my daughter from me!”

“I’m gonna take you to court!”

Blah blah bullshit.

9 years later and life is good. 200 miles away and it couldn’t have been the wiser choice.

Sometimes, I’m exhausted, mentally, physically and even fuckin’ financially.

She has a radar because it’s in those moments that she likes to fuck with me, test me and push my buttons.

I hate arguing with her, she’s too big to spank, I would just hurt myself.

In those moments I don’t even want to see her face or hear her voice, too honest?

I’m  sorry, its feelings and emotions. Its reality, nothing is always peachy keen!

When I say something mean, because I do say mean things sometimes, I instantly feel horrible.

I wait and when she approaches me, again, I let her speak her truths.

I remind myself that while I grew up with a present father, she did not.

My mother was not a teen when she had me, her mother was.

Her life hasn’t been easy and she doesn’t always deserve for me to be an asshole.

Being a MOM is hard, being a single mom to a teen is even HARDER!

If you are a single mom, a former single mom, a former teen mom, a married mom with a lazy husband, keep going. Keep pushing.

Speak your truths and be you, the you that you have always been (before the kids) because we can only keep up the act for so long. We’re human, we’re women and we have fuckin’ emotions and limits.

Its better for these kids and their safety that they find out sooner than later. 😉

PS Your child(ren) are a reflection of you, isn’t mine absolutely gorgeous!?

Mother may I

PSS How do you cope with motherhood, besides wine?