12 Steps

Hello, my lovelies!!! As promised you are receiving a sneak peek into what I have been working on! Bust out the champagne, it’s a big freakin’ deal!

 

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After writing my first book, Heart First, Head Later it dawned on me. I have had my heart truly shattered on one occasion, by one stupid boy. Why? Why was that break so emotionally life altering? Well, it was because of my own expectations and the way it ended. While he has not been the only boy to cause me hurt, he was the one who flipped my crazy girl starter switch, the one who provoked stalking and crazy rationalizations.

In short, I didn’t understand why or how things ended before they genuinely had a chance to truly begin. This resulted in a carousel of insecurities and confusion not only in regards to him but more importantly, me.

Why was I not good enough, what had I done to deserve this and so on and so forth…

The truth is, he was just that guy. He was the one who provoked the woman I was always meant to be. We all have to experience this type of break, this type of confusion and hurt, it’s part of life. It allows you to grow into yourself, your truest self.

He is not what matters, it’s the experience and what it taught me that truly matters.

My sophomore book, Do you love yourself enough to love yourself?, is 12 steps that I believe will help women move the fuck on from a shattered heart. It is solely my opinion based on my experience, maybe you won’t agree with my steps, maybe you’ll laugh at how relatable and real these steps are, you probably don’t need me to tell you these steps but in writing this book I not only wanted you to take the steps to move forward but I want you to know that if you did this already, you’re 100% normal. I say it all the time, we as women have so much in common and I believe we should use that commonality to rule the world. Don’t you agree?giphy1

So without further ado…I give you the contents page and the intro!

 

CONTENTS

 

 

Intro
1 Cry
2 Perspective
3 Talk about it
4 Acknowledge & Accept
5 Move on
6 Now REALLY move on
7 Love yourself
8 Social Media Blackout
9 Makeover
10

11

Forgive

Let Go

12 Smile

 

 

Intro

 

 

He has done just about everything he can do.

He has said all the shit he knows will break you and yet you stay.

You stay because it’s too hard to leave.

It’s too hard to start all over.

You have kids together and to begin again, at your age? Pfff.

Perhaps you do not have kids together but you have given him so many years, your good years.

It is just too hard to start all over.

Say’s who?

You?

Him?

“Who is going to accept you this way?” His voice is condescending and rude.

Instead of building your confidence he breaks you, this makes it so much harder for you to listen to the woman inside you.

The woman begging and screaming to get out and breath!

You have so much potential and yet he hinders it.

He keeps you from glowing.

He holds you down in a negative way, piling on the bullshit.

The weight of the world is on your shoulders, why because he’s got his own dreams and how dare you not support them?

What about you babe?

What about your dreams?

What dreams, you have reality to deal with.

A fridge to stock, rent to pay, you know that grown-up life.

Let’ stop for a minute.

Take a step back and look at your situation, are you really in love?

Oh es solamente costumbre?

Is it a comfort that in some random way makes you feel safe?

It is a false sense of security.

Are you unsure?

Let me help.

Do you think about packing up all his shit and leaving it out on the curb?

Do you find yourself daydreaming about meeting another man?

Do you dream of being single and independent?

Let’s be clear, you would rock this independent single woman, single mom shit.

If you could just manage to remove yourself from the toxic comfort zone that you’re in.

I once packed up my exes shit in a plastic bag and sent his ass back to his momma’s house on foot. (More than once if we’re being honest.)

I didn’t feel bad because if his lame ass hadn’t been a dick, he wouldn’t have gotten the boot.

If his lame ass had a job and a car, he wouldn’t have had to walk home.

Never feel sorry for a man who doesn’t feel sorry enough for himself to make a change.”

Do not support him.

Emotionally or financially, if a man can’t hold himself up, he’ll never hold you up the way he should.

 

“Sometimes you gotta do that cold-hearted shit because that’s the only option they leave you.”

 

I want to help you find yourself again.

You deserve all the good this world has to offer.

I’m sure you’ve made mistakes and done regrettable things, we all have. None of those mistakes have committed you to a life sentence of misery.

You do not deserve to be treated like anything less than the vibrant, gorgeous woman you are.

Let’s get that glow back!!

In 12 steps, I am going to give you back to you!

Let’s get out from under him and finally get the fuck over him!

 

EEEK you just got your first sneak peek!! Let me know what you think? Thank you so much for following me on my writing journey, I truly appreciate you all! 

 

 

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I gave up my life for you.

At times I feel like I deserve a do over.

And then I feel guilty for thinking such things.

The weight of the world has always been on my shoulders.

To be a mom is God’s greatest gift, to be a single mom, perhaps a blessing and a curse.

When she gets restless and acts ungrateful I feel a resentment burn inside me.

I gave up my life for you, perhaps a better life and you wanna talk back to me? You wanna fight and argue with me when I say no.

A resentful feeling of frustration manifest inside of me and then the guilt comes, never far behind.

I can’t feel any other emotions because the guilt is always in the distance over shadowing any other sense of emotion.

I gave up my life for you and you don’t even realize it.

My time, my energy, my sense of control and my peace, never have I felt so vulnerable and helpless.

He calls and has a 30 minute conversation, gives you a couple bucks and he’s done his duty for the week perhaps the month and here I stand, disregarded and disrespected.

I gave up my life for you and I’m the bad parent.

I’m the one who hands out punishments and deals with the stress and the headaches, let’s not even talk about the heartaches.

I gave up another life for you, one where I’m selfish.

At times I feel like I deserve a do over.

A guilt manifests so deep inside that I can’t shake the idea of no you, no me.

He gave up nothing for you and somehow his guilt doesn’t consume him.

Somehow you can forgive him and love him despite it.

He feels no guilt, he feels no shame.

He feels no worry, no stress or heartbreak.

I gave up myself for you.

At times the weight is too hard to carry, at times too much to bear and so I cry.

I cry because I can’t control you and I worry.

You have no idea what the weight of the world feels like.

You have no idea, Life doesn’t offer a do over.

Besties lead to Bullies?

Last week, as I was getting ready for work, I was watching Good Morning America and they shared a piece about a woman who removed her child from preschool because the school banned the use of the word BFF.

I stopped what I was doing to watch the piece when Natalie walked in and began watching with me. She rolled her eyes as they explained that the use of the word BFF promotes cliques and leads to feelings of exclusion and bullying in some cases.

“Ridiculous right?” I asked her, curious as to what she had to say.

“Banning the word is not going to stop friendships from forming and they shouldn’t make a positive thing in school so negative.”

She is 100% correct.

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When did having BFF’s become a negative thing? I don’t know about you guys but my BFF’s helped me survive high school and beyond. My relationships with these women became so rooted that I don’t call them my Best Friends, I call them my Soul Mates. These relationships were formed in school and while yes, maybe people were intimidated or thought they may not have been part of the circle, it wasn’t intentional. It’s a part of life.

We keep removing the situations that build character and build personal strength and confidence.

Natalie then proceeded to tell me that the current senior class at her school would be the last to have seniors graduating in white and they would be the last class to have a valedictorian.

WTF.

What about these kids who have built their school careers in the hopes of graduating in all white and/or potentially being valedictorian? Is this not ridiculous? Why remove the competitive spirit? Will this competitiveness be removed from the workplace or real-life situations? NO, of course not.

We as a society complain about bullies but we are softening the future generations. Not all kids deserve a trophy at the end of the soccer season and the ones that do should shine, not because they are better people but because they have worked on their craft and/or they have god given talent.

You can’t excel in all aspects of life so where you do thrive you should be recognized.

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Let kids have best friends, let them enjoy their youth and form bonds that will help form them. Don’t be negative about positive things. Not everyone in life is going to like you and kids should learn that early on, it’s not mean, it’s real.

Why remove the reward from high school graduation? You are uninspiring our kids!

We are going to be stuck with a generation that lacks a competitive drive and whines about life not being fair because they were coddled and overprotected.

For the record, I understand not all situations are easy and some kids react differently to certain situations, this is why parents need to instill confidence in the home. I’m not an expert and my kids not perfect but she understands the concept of real life. She gets that no one is going to hand her an education or a paycheck, she is going to have to work for it and compete for top dollar.

Reality slaps you hard when you enter the real world, let’s not remove the core of what makes us able to stay standing.

These are my personal thoughts and opinions. I’d love to hear yours! Comment below!

Karma

Karma…is she not magnificent?

When you least expect it she comes and kicks your ass or in the best case scenario, she redeems you in the perfect moment.

Why do I say she? Well let’s be real, only a woman could be so vengeful, only a woman could perfectly time sweet revenge or validation.

Whether Karma is coming to your defense or to completely ruin your life, she’s coming.pexels-photo-212410.jpeg

As most of you know, I have been writing a book entitled “Do you love yourself, enough to love yourself?” 12 steps to getting you out from under him and finally getting the fu$k over him! In this how-to, help book of sorts, I ask that you list 5 reasons why you need to let him go. I’m going to help you and provide you with one reason, KARMA.

Yes, ladies, karma should be the number one reason you let go and let him be. Sometimes relationships don’t work and that’s ok, even if you have a kid or two or three! When a man is not meant for you and you hold on you are creating instant karma. He is not for you.

Repeat after me,

“He is not for me, God knows why even if I don’t”

How is that bad or negative karma? It’s simple, if you’re really honest with yourself you know exactly why things are over or why they never truly began in some cases, so go over those reasons and then insert the karmic effects.

♠ You were the other woman, whether you knew or not, karma will come back for you. (or vice versa)

♠ You lied to him, you cheated on him or vice versa, karma will have her way with you and if it was him doing the lying and cheating, karma will validate you, you just have to step aside and let her do her work.

♠ You’re not in the same headspace, you can’t see eye to eye, you want more than he’s willing to give you.. or vice versa. Karma knows when and how she will remind you of the man you could not let go, she will remind you how you made his life difficult because he wasn’t ready. Or the total opposite, she will validate you.

 

Let go of him for you, for your karmic bank. Fill that account with nothing but ROI’s!

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Seriously, if a man is truly meant for you, even a break or time apart won’t change that. Let time and karma do what they do.

 

PS. I will be giving away 5 copies of my latest book, “Do you love yourself enough to love yourself?” Like the post, leave a comment, share on your social, subscribe to the blog via email whichever one (or all) works for you to be entered!! Thank you lovelies!!

 

Soul Mates Matter

A soul mate by definition is 1: a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament. 2: a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs; ideological soul mates.

Carrie Bradshaw once said,

“Maybe our girlfriends are our soul mates and guys are just people to have fun with.”

The woman is a genius.

How is it that a man would find himself perfectly suited to a woman in temperament?

Maybe a man and a woman could have similar attitudes and beliefs but I do not believe we are suited in temperament.

Men and women are different, built differently, we vibe off each other in that sentiment.

With that being said, your soul mate is not a man silly.

Your soul mate has been by your side as the men have come and gone from your life.

Your soul mate has never judged you, instead has told you exactly what you did not want to hear and then supported you when you went ahead and did what you wanted to anyway.

Never, not once has she abandoned you, maybe given you some space because let’s be honest, you needed it.

I am a lucky woman, you see I do not have a soul mate, I have soul mates.♥

Women who have made my journey through life a little less rocky and a lot more enjoyable.

My soul mates have hung tight through bouts of selfishness and immaturity and I’d like to say that I have done the same.

Every tribe of women has within it specific rolls that each soul mate fills, these rolls intertwine with one another creating this tribe that holds strong through all the dramatic bullshit life likes to throw your way.

We have the mature and responsible one, the one who maintained a job while going to school and made sure we all got home in one piece.

Even on nights, we didn’t want to.

 

Which one of your soul mates is the loud and overly dramatic one, maybe a couple of you have this role locked down?

Then you’ve got the ambitious one of the bunch, the one who will one day be famous, if not for her talents but for murder or fraud.. me, you or her?

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And then you’ve got the floater.

You love her dearly and trust her with your life and her having her own social circle outside of your tribe is totally acceptable.

The reality is anyone of these descriptions could fit you or anyone of your soul mates, my point being you are all suited to each other in temperament.

Soul mates by the utter definition of the word.

No relationship is easy to maintain, especially not one that involves several women.

We say mean things about each other, to each other.

We voice our opinions often and without fear because we are suited to do so.

Now you may be thinking that you could pinpoint one woman to each definition but sit and think about it, you are all one in the same. You are all responsible when necessary, you have all been crazy and dramatic, you’re all ambitious in life and you have created friendships and relationships outside of your safe zone.

Women are unique by nature, predictable at times and at other times we have moments in life that even throw our soul mates for a loop.

On many occasions, we have thrown each other for complete and total loops. Doing things that we ourselves had not anticipated but life gave us choices and we made decisions.

My soul mates are many miles from me but when I see them we pick up right where we left off. Life and time have kept moving as it always will, bringing with it, boyfriends, husbands, babies, divorces, and relocations.

Hold onto these women, love and appreciate them because like all relationships, they took work, time and effort.

What is your longest running friendship?

Can you see yourself without these women?

 

 

 

Amor o Costumbre?

Amor, Amor? Oh, solamente costumbre?

Do you know the difference between love and comfort?

The kind of comfort that offers a false sense of security.

The kind of comfort that is an everyday routine you’ve grown accustomed to?

To change it would be too difficult, too messy!

Some of us get stuck in this rut and we don’t even realize it’s a rut.

In Spanish, there is a saying of sorts, more of a question, “es amor, oh es costumbre?”

 

How do you know if you are in love or simply too comfortable to begin again?

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I get it, who wants to throw away years of faking it?

That’s what you’re doing, your faking it.

Stop it.

If you are simply in a relationship because it would take too much effort to remove yourself from it, you are fucking up your relationship with yourself. That’s the most important relationship of all.

If you have kids, what kind of example are you setting? I’m not judging, I get it, it’s hard but I also know that once you realize the reality of your relationship, you’ll be better off.

I once was an angry person, a negative person, a short-tempered person.

I was in the wrong relationship and I was hurting myself emotionally because I could not develop the courage to get out.

No, that’s a lie, I just didn’t want to start again. Even at a young age, the idea of starting over, all over with someone was so stressful that I didn’t want to do it.

I finally moved on and let go and I found myself.

I found me. The woman I was meant to be.

It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t boring either.

Life is meant to be lived and it’s too short to be lived comfortably.

Find someone who challenges you, who motivates you and pushes you.

Be someone who challenges, motivates and pushes.

How long are you going to hold onto the wrong type of love?

Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation?

Tell me how you overcame! (share, share!)

Do you love yourself enough?

My question to you today is, Do you love yourself enough to love yourself?

 

If so why do you allow yourself to take the backseat?

Why put him ahead of you?

A man who truly loves you, a man who truly respects you would not allow you to put him first.

He would undoubtedly put you first, above his own needs and expect you to do the same.

Regardless of who “he” is, husband, fiancée, boyfriend or just a “friend”.

If he values you and respects you, your wellbeing will always come before his.

A smart man knows and understands that an unhappy woman can bring down an entire empire.

That’s a fact.

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If your man is ready to hold you up then he will put you above all else.

Now, with that being said, men, I am not saying to sacrifice your own well-being but this woman is the heart of your home or at least you’re hoping she will be, right? If not why are you wasting her time and yours?

As the heart, the center, she needs to beat freely, without feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

Protect her, take care of her as you would your own heart.pexels-photo-415779.jpeg

Women, don’t use this man, don’t abuse his love.

As his woman, while you are the heart, he is the head.

Appreciate him and give him clarity, give him confidence.

A good man and a good woman can accomplish more together than apart.

No one wants to be single forever but no one should feel trapped or have to take a back seat.

So I say, love yourself enough.

Take care of you so you can take care of him but don’t self-sacrifice.

Don’t feel sorry for a man who can’t feel sorry enough for himself to make a change.

When you can’t figure out why you’re still in the relationship ask yourself, is this healthy, am I loving myself by staying in this relationship or am I being self-destructive?

Ladies, love yourself enough to love yourself.

Please share with me any thoughts or relatable stories in regards to this topic! I’d love to hear from you!

 

 

 

Who’s really being punished here?

We openly drink in our home, on weekends, during get-togethers, you know brunch and dinner type stuff.

My 17 YO daughter has been on restriction for the last two weeks, following an incident involving alcohol.

My guilt was getting the best of me, I thought to myself, maybe I’ve been a terrible influence, maybe I should stop. I even considered throwing out the alcohol we have in our home.

 

I pushed the guilt out of my head and decided that while I may be a weekend drinker,

mimosas with brunch

wine with dinner

a beer at a ball game

a margarita for happy hour

I’ve earned that right. I work hard and I provide so if I want to have a fuckin drink I will have a drink or two or three.

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She will not. Not until she is 21 and able to pay for her own alcohol.

As I pondered this I asked myself, who’s really being punished here?

Why do I feel guilty?

I feel suffocated, I gave her so much freedom, too much trust. It was easy for my boyfriend and me to escape on a Friday night and go have dinner and now, I don’t even want to leave her home alone for 20 minutes.

She hasn’t had her phone and it is like I have a toddler again.

All of the sudden she remembered she had a mom.

I can’t shower or pee without an interruption.

She says I’m being dramatic and Its not fair, she made a mistake and I’m going overboard.

“It’s not fair.”

She’s totally and absolutely right that it’s not fair.

It’s not fair that I can’t leave my 17-year-old home alone because I don’t trust her.

It’s not fair that I, her mother, had to drive her to the emergency room because I was terrified of what could have been in her system.

It’s not fair that I’ve lost a piece of my sanity, my peace of mind.

It’s not fair but it’s life.

I realize she is going to make these mistakes but it’s my job to ensure that these mistakes impact her life in a positive way, in a way that will teach a life lesson.

Your choices have consequences.

It’s been a long two weeks, for both of us.

I got that Good, Good

My heart is full and YES, it is because of a man, my man.

Before I start please know that I am all for being independent and not needing a man to fulfill you BUT when you got a good man, you just gotta speak on it.

Let me GLOW. ♥♥

I’ve chosen a few select words to express my love for this man so that he and you all can fully understand

Grateful, I am beyond grateful to have him in my life, in our lives. I didn’t believe men like him existed, he is most definitely one of a kind. From his morals to his deepest thoughts, he is genuine and true. Which is why I worried about his reaction towards my recently self-published book, Heart First, Head Later, it’s all about my past, my sexual encounters and my struggles as a young girl becoming a woman. It’s real and raw and I wanted it to be that way so that women and young girls could relate and know that they are not alone in these struggles! Let’s be real, no man wants to know in such depth or detail about your past but I felt a calling for it, through it I could make a difference. Even if just one girl reads it and forgives herself for the mistakes of her past, I’ve accomplished what I set out to do. Would he get that? Would he accept that? I had a heart to heart with one of my soulmates and she said to me,

“Have Faith.”

Faith, if the word itself doesn’t make you smile, try to have a little faith, in anything, just make a real effort and see what comes of it.

She said to me, “Have Faith in God first, then have faith in him and your relationship.”

She was right, all I needed was a little faith, the same faith that carried us through our break up and that has carried us in our relationship thus far. We started out awkward, I was too pushy and he resisted, I can be overwhelming at times but I knew and he knew and we just let faith take the lead. God’s been very busy in our lives and I owe that to my faith. I’ll admit I don’t go to church, I cannot remember that last time I was in a church but my faith has never wavered.

My faith in him, my man, has only gotten stronger. He has given me all reasons to believe that he loves me and my kid, now his kid. He read my book, in one sitting, (It’s that juicy I guess.) he was not very happy with what he read and after we talked it out, he got it. He understood the purpose of it and he supports me in what I do. We are strong, we know who we are, together and apart. He is my best friend. (Don’t puke, it’s not that sappy!)

Appreciation, I mean, he has taken on my child as his own. The good, the bad and the really fucked up. My soon to be 18 year old is very much a handful, she ain’t easy but he takes things in stride, such patience and determination. He has motivated her to do so much,  she’s excited about college and her grades have seriously improved and while I would love to take credit for that, it was all him. I could list out a million reasons why I appreciate this man, but by far the most meaningful is his relationship with my mini.

Blessed, we truly are blessed. As two separate people, we have been blessed in life. Together, our blessings have only just begun. (See that’s faith.) Our families, his and mine, love us, love me, love him, they’re all waiting for that proposal moment…. (hint, hint!)

In all seriousness, we’ve been blessed to find each other and to keep our relationship together. Some people don’t realize what they have until they no longer have it, I know what I have. I know what is worth and I value it.

Maybe I’m just Lucky in love?

Maybe, or maybe God just has this planned out all along.

When you got that Good, Good man, love him, appreciate him, be grateful and have faith. Your blessings will come in abundance!

♥♥♥