This Mom Thing

Let’s talk about this mom thing

This make me wanna pull my hair out and scream thing.

This make me wanna cry thing

Throw a fit and throw up type thing.

Let’s talk about this mom thing, the thing that all women aspire to be, pray and hope for thing.

Let’s talk about how this mom thing ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

This mom thing.

This mom struggle.

This mom thing doesn’t get easier, shit just gets harder.

And yet somehow this mom thing is everything.

Don’t come into this light-hearted or you’ll fuck around and die broken-hearted.

This mom thing, mom to a teen thing, mom to a teen girl thing.

This mom thing is like karma striking and making you wish you would have been down with your own mom’s thing.

This mom thing making you feel gratitude, appreciation, and sorrow towards your own mom’s thing.

This mom thing, shit comes back around, making you understand this mom thing is a serious thing.

No bullshit and games, just real life type things.

This mom thing, it’s a for life thing.

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How do you heal a mother’s broken heart?

Why is it that when something serious happens the emotional aspect of it hits you days later?

All the what if’s swirl through my mind and I can’t shake the feeling that the worst is yet to come.

Teenagers make mistakes, they make bad choices, my question is, how do you regain what has been lost?

The relationship I once thought to be so solid, shattered.

The girl I thought was smarter than that, isn’t.

I gave her too much freedom?

I trusted her too much?

I allowed her to feel a type of way because I expected more from her?

Did I allow her to grow up too fast?

I’m disappointed in the choices she made and so much more disappointed in the fact that she belittles it to be nothing but “drinking too much”

Ummm hello, you’re 17 not 21.

A different light is shun upon her.

A mother’s love is everlasting and eternal but how do you fix her broken heart?

How do you heal her bruised ego?

How do you console her in her loss?

My child is not the same.

I’ve lost something, I’ve lost someone.

So how do you heal my broken heart?

How do I fix what is unfixable?

The loss of trust is huge in our house.

The peace I felt, the confidence I had in regards to her, diminished.

The everyday girls guide to Coachella Fest!

“It’s all fun and games until you’re chafed and dehydrated.”

*disclaimer: post contains affiliate links✨

I will be attending Coachella for the third year in a row and I must say, I am very much looking forward to spring in the desert. With that being said, spring in Coachella is not like spring anywhere else.

You’re talking to a local here, yikes I said local!! I relocated to the City of Festivals back in 2009 and I don’t think I’ve yet to acclimate to the weather.

I don’t know about you but I wish I would have had a real girls perspective going into my first year! Don’t get me wrong, I love looking at blogs and pictures of all the gorgeous outfits and these beautiful women posing and looking flawless.

It’s inspirational in so many ways!!

BUT

I am not 5’11 and a size negative.

I am 5’5 and a size 12, on a skinny day. (And I love me) just in case you had some opinions, I’m all good thanks.

If you’re like me, I want to share with you the real deal and hopefully prepare you for the experience you’re about to have.

I’m going to jump right into the festival because as a local I just go home when I’m done, I can’t comment on the hotels or camping part of it. Although I will say, ew to the camping part of it. (My opinion)

Let’s get going then;

Be prepared for some traffic as you get to the festival grounds.

There is a VIP parking lot which is the best option but requires VIP passes, so if you have general admission this is not your lot.

Then you’ve got the companion camping and car camping lots. (Not for me or you unless this is what you paid for)

The lake Eldorado lot is what you’re looking for and it is a big ass dirt lot that they water because the wind gets ridiculous and the floor is super hot!

I’m not totally sure about the drinking in the parking lot policy but we definitely drink up before heading in. Just be polite and respectful to parking lot attendants, they’re locals working the fest.

Easy enough right?

General Admission vs VIP

Ok so I ain’t no big baller but we did attempt the VIP experience.

My first year we did GA and the second year we did VIP.

General admission is just that general. There are no special sitting areas or designated restrooms. You walk about a mile to enter the fest, maybe I’m exaggerating, maybe I’m not, and then as a woman you stand in a line much longer than the men’s line to walk through a metal detector and have your bags searched.

Save the time and don’t take a bag?

No bitch, take a bag, backpack, whatever.

More on that in a minute.

So once you’re in you walk right to the Ferris wheel.

Stop and take a pic. Soak it all in.

You’re at Coachella.

Quick confession, I’ve yet to take a pic in front of the Ferris Wheel, this is the year!

Be prepared to wait in ridiculous restroom lines and don’t get discouraged by the wind. We’re all getting hit by the same sandy wind. Eat where you wanna eat and drink what you wanna drink. Remember to stay hydrated, it’s windy but it’s also hot as fuck.

We’re talking 3 digit heat with the wind. I know, wtf.

Of course, wear your sunscreen and if outfit appropriate wear a hat and your sunglasses.

You’ve been walking around all day, jumping from tent to tent, resting in random restroom lines while you wait to pee and the sun is finally going down! You made it through the first day!!

Yessss!

No, it’s not over, by any means.

This is where that bag comes in handy.

The fun is just beginning, it’s almost time for the headliner!!!

If you can, have an outfit change ready in that bag.

I know, I know, we’re regular girls here but I mean leggings and a cute hoodie, a cover-up or a sweater. Trust me, you’ll thank me because as hot as it was in the daytime, the cold can be just as extreme. Think about being in a jacuzzi and going from hot to cold.

The desert does not play at night.

Take a small blanket if you can, a beach blanket if possible. Not only will it potentially keep you warm but you can lay it out and sit on it while you eat.

Tables are limited and you’ll be lucky to sit anywhere other than the ground.

Food options are endless so enjoy!

VIP offers a more delectable variety of food but nothing so out there that you should pay $1000 plus for admission.

While the VIP offers a closer lot and a shorter walk to the entrance of the fest, again, not worth the money.

We went VIP thinking it meant front row accessibility…. not so.

While the lounging areas are much nicer the only difference in restrooms is that they are “air-conditioned” but they’re still for the most part port-a-potties. (You’ll get over it and accept the squat over the toilet position real quick)

(Oh yeah, you’ll be sore the rest of the weekend, accept it and acknowledge that you’re probably out of shape… I swore to be a few pounds lighter for next time but I like food.)

This is why we opted to save some pennies and go with GA for our third year.

A small list of what I do and take:

I wear converse or something along those lines. The polo grounds where the fest is held is all dirt, I don’t buy converse for the fest I wear ones I would care to never wear again. I’ve worn some Roxy slip ons for the last two years and I plan to wear them this year. Whatever you’re comfortable in just keep in mind, dirt, everywhere. ( especially on your way in)

I always take a pack of blister band-aids. Lesson learned the hard way.

Allergy relief medicine

Tylenol

They don’t allow you to take in water bottles but people use those camelbacks and they have water stations so if you buy a water bottle inside you can just keep refilling. My man is iffy about those so we probably spend more money on water than alcohol.

Whatever you decide to do stay hydrated.

**The Camel backpacks must be empty at entry!**

Take a bandana or buy one there. If the wind is nasty you will thank me for this.

Last year the wind was horrible at night and I dropped my bandanna in the restroom, I didn’t buy another and ended up so sick afterward. I had what the doctors out here have dubbed “Coachella flu.” They gave me steroids and antibiotics to open up my lungs and kill whatever I inhaled.

↑Take this tidbit of advice seriously, if it’s the only thing you take from this post, I feel accomplished.

So what have you learned today?

♥ Be as cute and glamorous as you wanna be but remember to stay comfortable. You’ll be there all day and all night, for 3 days and 3 nights.

♥ Take some meds, allergy relief, again bc of the wind and Tylenol for a headache the sun could potentially give you. The festival is held on the polo grounds in Indio, so with that in mind be prepared if you suffer from allergies.

You’re adults take your meds and alcohol consumption responsibly.

Blister band-aids

Bandanna/face shield

Hat and sunglasses

Sunscreen

The best for under makeup!

Backpack (medium) with a change of clothes or at least a sweater and a beach blanket.

Above all else have a fuckin amazing time and be a nice fuckin person.

We’re all there to enjoy our time, we all paid to be there. If your not in a VIP tent then relax and don’t be a douche. We’re all in this together.

Happy Coachella 2018!!

If any questions or comments I’m happy to answer and have a conversation!

I have also provided a link to the festival rules and info page for you guys!!

*This post contains amazon affiliate links!

Thanks in advance lovelies!

To the woman who allowed my underage child to drink in her home.

What kind of mother are you?

To allow my child to be put at risk in your home.

To decide if she could have a drink or two or ten.

What kind of mother are you to allow another mothers child to be put in a situation where she cannot speak, stand, or be unconsciously unaware of her surroundings?

What kind of mother are you to watch a young woman drink in excess in a predominantly male environment?

What kind of mother are you to let her sit on your couch, unconscious and vulnerable?

 What kind of woman are you?

What kind of woman are you to watch and stand idly by, while another woman potentially endangers her life?

What kind of woman allows another woman to lower her self-awareness and not intervene?

What kind of woman is this?

The kind that becomes the type of mother who hasn’t got a clue.

The kind of woman who is the kind of mother who wants so desperately to be cool and young. Hip and in the crowd.

This is no real mother.

This is no real women.

She is a fraud.

A hazard.

A danger to womenkind.

A danger to your children and specifically to mine.

I could blame myself for allowing her to be in your home.

For trusting my child’s instincts.

I could blame myself but I blame you.

I am her mother.

She is my daughter.

How dare you put her future and her safety at risk!!

How dare you sit on the sidelines!!

How dare you influence her negatively!!

How dare you supply the evil that you supplied!!

How dare you not pick up the phone and call me!!

How dare you not intervene!!!

How dare you not call for help!!

You careless woman.

You careless mother.

What kind of mother are you?

I’m the kind of the mother that does not allow my child to be put at risk and sit idly by.

I’m the kind of mother that responds and reacts.

 A lioness full of fire.

 I’m the kind of mother whose child you should have never fucked with.

I’m the kind of mother who does not play childish games.

I’m the kind of mother who is an adult and capable of accepting that as an adult, I will handle the situation as such.

I’m the type of woman who does not care what it takes as long as justice is served for all women, specifically mine.

From the mother whose child, your recklessness put at risk.

Self-love is the most complicated love.

Love.

The word itself is complicated and yet simple.

A mothers love.

A fathers love.

The love of a spouse or significant other.

The love for your children.

Love.

Who do you love and why?

It’s usually pretty easy to answer that question.

You know why you love your significant other and why you love your kids.

You can quickly recall a story to express why you love your friends.

After all, you chose them.

What about you?

Do you love yourself?

What do you love about yourself?

What about you makes you special?

Do you have the ability to answer those questions without hesitation or do you have to think about it? Do you find yourself answering them and then doubting your own answers?

Self Love is the most complicated love.

We doubt our answers because we know ourselves better than anyone else. We figure that we deserve less and accept mediocre self-love.

Your deepest and darkest secrets come to mind and you believe that those things or situations make you less worthy of your own love!

I say to hell with that!!

So you had a one night stand or two, or three or four. Who cares!

So you cheated on your ex….again I say who cares.

You lied on your resume when you first started in your field. A little tweak here, another embellishment there, who hasn’t!

So your secrets go darker than that?

You’ve had an abortion, or two or three or four. Who the fuck cares.

Disclaimer; don’t use abortion as a form of birth control. These are my opinions, don’t hate me if you don’t agree.

You’ve had a threesome, with 2 men or another woman. Good for you! Fuck society and all their judgy standards!

You outed a family member, yikes but I’m sure they forgave you and you were truly sorry. And if you did that shit on purpose then fuck it, it’s done. You can’t change whats done, move forward.

You’re involved in an extramarital affair, now, currently, at this moment. Well, girl, you got some shit to figure out. So go ahead, figure it out.

All these situations should not impact your self-love.

YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON.

YOU ARE REAL.

YOU ARE A REAL FUCKIN WOMaN WITH REAL LIFE PROBLEMS AND SITUATIONS.

You’ll figure them out, you’ll get past them and forgive yourself if you haven’t already.

Don’t let that shit weigh you down. The past is the past.

Self Love is the most complicated love, it’s also the most rewarding.

Love. La la la la Love. YOURSELF.

I need a mom minute.

Sometimes I need a minute.

I’ll sit in my car before going into my home because I know my teen is in there, waiting for me. Waiting so that she can ruin the mood I’m in or alter the feelings twirling about.

Sometimes I need to be alone. I need to sit in my room, in the shower or on the toilet for just a minute without being bombarded with rants and complaints.

I’m literally in the shower for 2.5 seconds when the door opens and I hear, “Mom.”

I thought this shit would stop when she was old enough to make her own sandwich or look for her own lost whatever it is.

Then when I explode, because let us be real, no sane woman can go and go without combusting, I feel guilty.

I feel guilty for wanting to be alone.

I feel guilty for not wanting to hear her complaints or listen to her whine about things that are just not that serious.

I feel guilty for not wanting to be around her.

I feel guilty for typing all this.

The mom guilt gets the better of me and then I feel like shit for being a Bad Mom.

I never hear, “Thanks, mom.”

Just, “Thanks, mom.”

Not for buying her something or giving her something because I’m the best mom in the world when she’s gotten something from me that she wants but that, “thanks, mom.” for just being.

How about a fuckin thank you for just being your mom.

For giving you life.

For being your parent.

Am I wrong to want simple appreciation for what is?

Am I wrong for complaining?

Fuck no I’m not.

Mom guilt gets the best of me but why can I ignore my significant other when he pisses me off and not my child?

Why can I expressly be annoyed by him or his actions and not my childs.

We don’t want to hurt her feelings, what about my feelings?

I am a mom, I am a woman and I have feelings and emotions too.

Sometimes, sometimes, I just need a minute.

 

Self Published.

I recently self-published a book called, “Heart First, Head Later.”

Writing the book was a self-evolving process. I allowed myself to reminisce about my past and the experiences that broke me and helped me grow.

Writing is therapeutic for me and I’m sure many others. As a writer, I can only hope that what I am putting into the universe is acknowledged and appreciated.

When I first began the book it was not going to be based solely on my experiences but those of the women who I find myself learning from. I quickly realized that in order for me to express what other women have taught me, I first had to appreciate what I have taught myself.

“Heart First, Head Later” is my story, through poems and storytelling I allow you a glimpse into who I was and how I became the strong-minded, independent women I am today. This is the scariest thing I’ve ever done. I had a baby at 15 and compared to this, that was a piece of cake.

It is the scariest thing imaginable to put yourself out there for the world to see. To express your truths knowing not only people who do not know you will read it but also people who do know you. I am afraid of being judged for the mistakes I made in my youth, but I am willing to be judged if it will allow a woman or girl who feels like she is in it alone, know that she is not. No women should ever feel as though she is the only one. We have all done things and made mistakes. We are human and in that we are imperfect. In that imperfection lies a beauty that only real people can appreciate.

My boyfriend got a kick out of the title, “Head later”, he laughed. That was not my intent in the title, as he will come to see when he reads it. However, once he reads it he will see how it also ironically makes sense in that way as well. Eeek, it makes me nervous that he will read it but he loves me. Me, he loves me. I wouldn’t be me if not for all the lessons life taught me.

Heres to putting yourself out there and taking chances!! Follow your dreams and jump in Heart first, Head later! 😉

 

 

In my past…

Ladies and Gents, the Preface to my soon to be released book, “Heart First, Head Later”

Preface

In my past, I was quick to run, run my mouth, run up my credit cards, run my car into your car… You know, that kind of shit. I have learned that things are made worse with overreacting and that words cannot be erased, whether they are spoken or written. I have embarrassed myself and made mistakes that cannot be taken back. I have made my life and others lives more complicated than they needed to be. I have been selfish, unkind and ugly. I am now a more mature version of who I used to be but she, she still lives deep inside me. She, the girl who became the woman I am today. She sleeps calmly, peacefully dreaming of the antics she once created and the drama she devoured. Reminiscing on the way she lived like no one was watching and as if only she mattered. I keep her happy, letting her come out to play every once in a while. Letting her scream and cry, letting her yell and flip off drivers who piss me off. She gets out every now and then and I have to remind her that I got this and I am in control. She who used to be me, she lives deep inside me… waiting in slumber in case she is ever needed again.

Heart First, Head Later