I woke up and I was in a different body…

How the fuck did I get here?

The room is unfamiliar, the bed, while incredibly comfortable smells like a man.

I dig my head into the pillow in an effort to identify the smell, unknown and yet so familiar.

My body feels different, heavier, sluggish, I touch my face in an attempt to make sure I am still me.

I slide my hands down to my breast, yup, still me.

I’ve been begging my boobs to grow since I hit puberty, they didn’t care how much I begged.

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The rest of me feels thicker, definitely not a size small anymore.

I must be in a different body, this can’t be me.

I lift my new heavier body out of bed and walk over to the huge mirror occupying the wall and there she is.

I woke up and I was in a different body.

I wonder if this new body has money in the bank… hmmm

She’s a little older than me but still very pretty, youthful in her face and neck.

Who is she and why does she seem so familiar.

I glance at the photographs that occupy her wall, a familiar face.

She is me. A different, older version but without a doubt, me.

It’s horrifying, where did my youth go and who the fuck said I wanted to be an adult!?

 

You guys ever feel like you woke up in a different body? Where the fuck did the time go and when did we become adults with responsibilities! Tell me, what is something that you wish you would have known before entering adulthood? I wish I would have known just how real it is when they say, MONEY DOESN’T GROW ON TREES! FML. Oh, and I would have listened when I was told to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!

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I gave up my life for you.

At times I feel like I deserve a do over.

And then I feel guilty for thinking such things.

The weight of the world has always been on my shoulders.

To be a mom is God’s greatest gift, to be a single mom, perhaps a blessing and a curse.

When she gets restless and acts ungrateful I feel a resentment burn inside me.

I gave up my life for you, perhaps a better life and you wanna talk back to me? You wanna fight and argue with me when I say no.

A resentful feeling of frustration manifest inside of me and then the guilt comes, never far behind.

I can’t feel any other emotions because the guilt is always in the distance over shadowing any other sense of emotion.

I gave up my life for you and you don’t even realize it.

My time, my energy, my sense of control and my peace, never have I felt so vulnerable and helpless.

He calls and has a 30 minute conversation, gives you a couple bucks and he’s done his duty for the week perhaps the month and here I stand, disregarded and disrespected.

I gave up my life for you and I’m the bad parent.

I’m the one who hands out punishments and deals with the stress and the headaches, let’s not even talk about the heartaches.

I gave up another life for you, one where I’m selfish.

At times I feel like I deserve a do over.

A guilt manifests so deep inside that I can’t shake the idea of no you, no me.

He gave up nothing for you and somehow his guilt doesn’t consume him.

Somehow you can forgive him and love him despite it.

He feels no guilt, he feels no shame.

He feels no worry, no stress or heartbreak.

I gave up myself for you.

At times the weight is too hard to carry, at times too much to bear and so I cry.

I cry because I can’t control you and I worry.

You have no idea what the weight of the world feels like.

You have no idea, Life doesn’t offer a do over.

Do you love yourself enough?

My question to you today is, Do you love yourself enough to love yourself?

 

If so why do you allow yourself to take the backseat?

Why put him ahead of you?

A man who truly loves you, a man who truly respects you would not allow you to put him first.

He would undoubtedly put you first, above his own needs and expect you to do the same.

Regardless of who “he” is, husband, fiancée, boyfriend or just a “friend”.

If he values you and respects you, your wellbeing will always come before his.

A smart man knows and understands that an unhappy woman can bring down an entire empire.

That’s a fact.

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If your man is ready to hold you up then he will put you above all else.

Now, with that being said, men, I am not saying to sacrifice your own well-being but this woman is the heart of your home or at least you’re hoping she will be, right? If not why are you wasting her time and yours?

As the heart, the center, she needs to beat freely, without feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

Protect her, take care of her as you would your own heart.pexels-photo-415779.jpeg

Women, don’t use this man, don’t abuse his love.

As his woman, while you are the heart, he is the head.

Appreciate him and give him clarity, give him confidence.

A good man and a good woman can accomplish more together than apart.

No one wants to be single forever but no one should feel trapped or have to take a back seat.

So I say, love yourself enough.

Take care of you so you can take care of him but don’t self-sacrifice.

Don’t feel sorry for a man who can’t feel sorry enough for himself to make a change.

When you can’t figure out why you’re still in the relationship ask yourself, is this healthy, am I loving myself by staying in this relationship or am I being self-destructive?

Ladies, love yourself enough to love yourself.

Please share with me any thoughts or relatable stories in regards to this topic! I’d love to hear from you!

 

 

 

Positivity?

I try to be a positive person but I’m real.

I have been working on myself, my finances and my health.

2018 will be my year, I’m speaking (writing) it into existence right here, right now.

I have been working on a passion project that will hopefully inspire women and be something they can relate to. A book of truths and poetry, I have just completed my 100th draft, not really but it feels that way. I think I’m changing the title, again. This one will stick, it kind of created itself from the work.  I’m doing all this while working a full-time job, property management, its how I pay the bills, for now. (fingers crossed.)

While doing me, I am also attempting to live life with my significant other. We’re saving money to buy a house, get married, have some babies, you know real adult type stuff.

As I mentioned before I’m a property manager by day and one of the perks is that I don’t pay rent.

I know, hate me, it’s awesome.

You’re probably thinking that I’m close to achieving my financial goals, the short answer is …

Fuck no!

I hate to admit it but I’m so broke. Don’t get me wrong my bills are paid and the fridge is stocked but I do not have the financial freedom I should. I kick myself in the ass whenever I do the math, I’ve been a property manager with the same company for 9 years. 😦

I have taken steps to produce more income, one of my favorites is selling stuff on apps like Poshmark. They’re not paying me to tell you about them but if they’d like to, I’m open to it!  🙂

In all seriousness, a super easy app to manage and so safe. No meeting up with people just ship the item(s) off. Buyer pays shipping and Poshmark takes a small fee, check it out if you have clothing, shoes or accessories you no longer use.

I’ve also had to cut my daily Starbucks trip, that in itself leaves me with extra money.

Trust me when I say I’ve beaten myself up over the situation I put myself in.

I tell myself that I need to take things one day at a time.

I cannot stress over what I cannot change.

So much easier said then done but I will achieve my goals and I will get financially healthy!!

Any tips? What are your motivations for making 2018 your best year yet?

Is it starting all over if it’s a new beginning?

BeginningsblogI had my first and only child when I was 15.

She is now 17.

17 years later and God has presented me an opportunity to begin again.

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years and we are on the brink of marriage and babies.

The conversations and planning make me feel so excited…and nervous.

Nervous!!

I changed diapers and did midnight feedings all by myself, the idea of starting all over makes me a little nervous.

I love my boyfriend and I cannot wait to be his wife, I also cannot wait to make him a father so why am I nervous about getting pregnant and having a baby!

We’ve talked about it and I know this time will not be like the first but I cannot help but feel nervous.

I also very much enjoy sleeping.

I’m selfish by nature, (it comes naturally) 😛 Having a baby means giving up sleep among other things.

I question my sanity at times and I wonder if I could start all over, then I ask myself, is it really starting all over if it’s a new beginning?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the first time didn’t count but did it? I was a child, I was not married, we were not this happy little family. I went to school just 4 hours a day, I lived with my parents and I did not have bills.

I know, it must have been so hard. It was, emotionally it was the most difficult thing I’ve over come. Being a single teen mom is an emotional rollercoaster no girl should have to endure but we do. We mature and grow because that’s real life. I’m grateful that the only burden on my plate was emotional, I don’t know how things would have been had I had to financially support us as well.

I love my child and I chose to have her knowing I would be in it alone, hoping I wouldn’t be but knowing the man who fathered her would never really man up. It was not an easy situation but we survived it.

17 years later and I have a full-time job, a kid graduating from high school and bills!

I’m an adult.

I’m whining, I know. The point is, I’m a grown up now, so why such nerves?

“That’s real life.”    ⇐⇐⇐      this is my boyfriends reply.

Yes, I know, that’s how real grown ups adult.

Maybe the idea of being responsible for another life makes me super nervous, I mean, I’m not done being responsible for the 1st one. I guess as a mom, you’re never really done.

Maybe Im just a selfish asshole who’s only thinking about herself?

Babies, bills, a mortgage, college expenses, wife stuff. (Omg all the wife stuff.)

From the moment I met my boyfriend I wanted to wife him and get him pregnant so my question is, is it starting all over or is it just beginning?

Are my feelings normal?