Porn and your relationship.

You come home from work to find your significant other passed out on the sofa, the iPad next to them. You pick up the iPad with no intention of browsing through the history and yet somehow you find deleted porn sites in your browser’s history?

Are you angry? Is it funny? What true emotions does this moment evoke from you?

I guess it’s a matter of preference, some couples watch porn together but even if you are open to that, are you open to your SO other watching without you?

Is it the fact that this person is watching porn or is it the fact that they are trying to hide it? Which would anger or hurt you more?

According to an article from Fightthenewdrug.org porn sites receive more regular traffic than Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter combined each month!! WOW. The article also stated that people who had extramarital affairs were 300% more likely to admit consuming porn than those who never had an affair. Check the website out for yourself, it’s got some interesting stats and info. The name of the website itself is on point about today’s world.

In my opinion, porn is a negative, not just in relationships but with your own self-loving relationship.

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We’re told that it’s normal for boys to look at dirty magazines and watch naughty movies, growing up I remember being online and seeing pop-ups for porn sites, my curiosity getting the best of me I would click on it. It made me feel uncomfortable and then it made me feel a certain way, ya know, and then I felt shame.

Shame for looking at it and then shame for getting that “weird feeling”.

Now, as a grown woman, I know porn doesn’t do it for me and I realize that the shame I felt was for looking at something I wasn’t supposed to be looking at.

You ever masturbate and then feel guilty for it because you know God is watching and he does not approve? That’s not a good vibe.

My point being, porn is a gateway to all those emotions of shame and guilt. More so if you’re in a committed relationship and your partner frowns on it.

Is it cheating if you hide it? Answer this for me, men and women, do you consider porn cheating? If so, why?

I am curious as to why:

Why watch porn?

Why watch porn and hide it?

Why watch porn when you’re in a committed relationship?

Why?

Men and women, what’s the big draw? Besides the obvious getting off.giphy1

This post contains a lot of questions for you, my reader,  so feel free to share your truest thoughts and opinions without remorse. (Safe space!) Thanks in advance!

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What a man wants, matters.

Why is it so hard for us to let go of toxic people?

We make excuses for them and about them, about their actions or lack of actions.

We have a kid or kids with said person and in our minds that designates this person with a lifetime of do-overs.

Um, no.

I have a baby daddy and letting him go was hard, until it wasn’t.

I’ve been lost in infatuation and love and letting go of that man was hard until it wasn’t. (different guy, FYI.)

My point is that when you’re in the thick of it, in the midst of the madness you can’t see said person for who they really are, man or woman. Baby daddy or baby momma.

Letting go of a man who doesn’t serve you isn’t easy. I am the first to admit that when we want something all logic goes out the window.

I was 15 when I had my daughter, until the age of 18, her father was the only man I’d ever been with, sexually and emotionally.

The second guy came into my life while I was pregnant, making it a difficult situation for all involved, especially me. How was I supposed to handle a situation so complicated?

I got my chance to try with, “right guy wrong time” guy, right before turning 18. In short, things did not go the way I hoped. In fact, they turned out to be much more complicated and it took me two years to move on. He would come and go and I would come and go. In that time, I went back to my baby daddy, not because we were meant to be or because I loved him but simply because I could. It didn’t matter that he was an ass or a monster, what mattered was that he was familiar. Baby daddy so desperately wanted to be in control of me and our relationship that he also came and went when necessary. That is called costumbre, a crazy kind of comfort that shitty relationships give us because we’re used to them.

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That is not healthy.

It’s bullshit. It’s drama. It’s pain.

I went through my share of men and relationships and I realized that the only reason I suffered was that I allowed myself to.

Me.

Is that what you’re doing? Are you allowing yourself to suffer?

You can do everything right, you can be the perfect woman and if that man is not ready or he is unwilling to do right, it won’t matter. That man has to want to do right by you and he has to be ready. Women make the mistake of waiting or trying to fix him and make him ready, make him want the same. You can walk away and find a man who is ready and willing, a man who wants what you want or you can stand idly by waiting for a man to become ready and willing. But until that man WANTS to do right by you, he won’t.

STOP waiting for a man who is unwilling.

STOP trying to convince him that you’re the one.

STOP putting him and the relationship before you and your self-worth.

I know it’s easier said than done but how much longer are you going to waste your life?

It was hard for me until it wasn’t.

You’ll get to “it wasn’t” much sooner if you accept the reality of your situation and let go.

Not everyone is meant to stay, not everyone deserves or wants to be saved. Some people are meant to be was and used to be. Figure out who’s who and move on.

STOP making excuses, so what he was your first, you’ve invested years, you have a kid or two, so what?

One baby daddy

Two baby daddy

Three baby daddy

Four…who the fuck cares. You don’t deserve to play second best. You are not trapped or stuck. You’re confused and scared because change is scary and letting go is hard but it’s worth it. Walk away with your head held high. You have an example to set, self-worth matters more than how many baby daddy’s you have.

Life happens while you’re busy trying to make a man want you, do yourself a favor and walk away.

Walk away and I promise if he’s meant to be yours he won’t let you.

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Men are not as complicated as we think, they either want it or they don’t. It’s not confusing for them, they may have conflicting feelings at times but they know when they want someone and they do what they gotta do.

So you do what you gotta do until the right man, the willing man comes along. ♥

How do you feel about this topic and this post? Would you be willing to read a book dedicated to this subject? My newest book is directed and dedicated to women, a guide of sorts to let go.

Do you love yourself enough

I’m hoping to release mid-summer and if you’d like details to pre-order or receive a pre-release copy drop a comment, leave your email or simply subscribe to the blog! Gracias!

 

Do you love yourself enough?

My question to you today is, Do you love yourself enough to love yourself?

 

If so why do you allow yourself to take the backseat?

Why put him ahead of you?

A man who truly loves you, a man who truly respects you would not allow you to put him first.

He would undoubtedly put you first, above his own needs and expect you to do the same.

Regardless of who “he” is, husband, fiancée, boyfriend or just a “friend”.

If he values you and respects you, your wellbeing will always come before his.

A smart man knows and understands that an unhappy woman can bring down an entire empire.

That’s a fact.

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If your man is ready to hold you up then he will put you above all else.

Now, with that being said, men, I am not saying to sacrifice your own well-being but this woman is the heart of your home or at least you’re hoping she will be, right? If not why are you wasting her time and yours?

As the heart, the center, she needs to beat freely, without feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

Protect her, take care of her as you would your own heart.pexels-photo-415779.jpeg

Women, don’t use this man, don’t abuse his love.

As his woman, while you are the heart, he is the head.

Appreciate him and give him clarity, give him confidence.

A good man and a good woman can accomplish more together than apart.

No one wants to be single forever but no one should feel trapped or have to take a back seat.

So I say, love yourself enough.

Take care of you so you can take care of him but don’t self-sacrifice.

Don’t feel sorry for a man who can’t feel sorry enough for himself to make a change.

When you can’t figure out why you’re still in the relationship ask yourself, is this healthy, am I loving myself by staying in this relationship or am I being self-destructive?

Ladies, love yourself enough to love yourself.

Please share with me any thoughts or relatable stories in regards to this topic! I’d love to hear from you!