Love is hard, self-love is harder.

I often wondered who would love me.

After all the mistakes I made growing up, I was positive I had ruined my future.

I felt shame and embarrassment over the situations I had mishandled.

Who would love me after the mess I had made of my life?

Who would see me and then accept me for me?

Love is hard, self-love is harder.

I realized I needed to love me.

I needed to love me for getting through the difficult parts of my adolescence not only as a girl but also as a mother.

Mom life is hard enough as a grown woman now lets through in some immaturity, hormones and the need to find me, learn myself and love myself.

I made mistakes as a woman and a mother on my journey to finding myself.

I survived those mistakes; I turned those mistakes into lessons.

Lessons I can now share with my daughter, with my future children. I know they won’t listen, I’m not delusional but the wisdom I wish to offer is plentiful.

 

♥I live in love.

The type of love a mom receives. It’s no more, “Mommy come help me or mommy play Barbie’s with me.” It’s more, “Mom I need you to take me….” And “Mom, I’m going….” Or “Mom, I’m sorry I made a mistake.” I love my teenager for the strong-willed, independent, hard-headed person she is…even when she is directing that shitty attitude all teenage girls have, towards me.

 

♥I live in love.

The love only a man can give, a man who loves you and accepts you for who you were and who you are now. A man who gets his crazy, ridiculously loud and stubborn woman wouldn’t be who she is, if not for the shit she went through.

 

♥I live in love.

The love I feel for myself. The love I manifest in me.

Self-love is a remedy, a cure.

Take it and watch your situation flourish.

Always put your love on top.
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I woke up and I was in a different body…

How the fuck did I get here?

The room is unfamiliar, the bed, while incredibly comfortable smells like a man.

I dig my head into the pillow in an effort to identify the smell, unknown and yet so familiar.

My body feels different, heavier, sluggish, I touch my face in an attempt to make sure I am still me.

I slide my hands down to my breast, yup, still me.

I’ve been begging my boobs to grow since I hit puberty, they didn’t care how much I begged.

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The rest of me feels thicker, definitely not a size small anymore.

I must be in a different body, this can’t be me.

I lift my new heavier body out of bed and walk over to the huge mirror occupying the wall and there she is.

I woke up and I was in a different body.

I wonder if this new body has money in the bank… hmmm

She’s a little older than me but still very pretty, youthful in her face and neck.

Who is she and why does she seem so familiar.

I glance at the photographs that occupy her wall, a familiar face.

She is me. A different, older version but without a doubt, me.

It’s horrifying, where did my youth go and who the fuck said I wanted to be an adult!?

 

You guys ever feel like you woke up in a different body? Where the fuck did the time go and when did we become adults with responsibilities! Tell me, what is something that you wish you would have known before entering adulthood? I wish I would have known just how real it is when they say, MONEY DOESN’T GROW ON TREES! FML. Oh, and I would have listened when I was told to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!

A letter to my younger self.

Dear Julie,

At some point in your life, you’re going to find yourself fighting for a man who isn’t yours. You will eventually realize that you took your bruised heart from one unworthy man to another. He will seem right but I promise you he is all wrong. You have let him go before and you will let him go again. He won’t make it easy to walk away, in fact, when you finally build the courage to let go he will pull you back in.

Being who you are and loving the way you do, you will let him.

You will make a million mistakes for him and because of him but don’t worry they won’t matter. They will allow you to learn yourself and grow into yourself. The men who come into your life after him will help you heal, also allowing you to learn about yourself. They will serve their purpose and then you will move on.

There will be a chapter in your life where you will find yourself alone but I promise you will find the light. All of your life experiences will serve you. You see, there is a man waiting for you. A man who will make you realize and help you understand why nothing else seemed to fit. This man will love you. YOU. Who you truly are. He will be the one to give you that final push into womanhood, allowing you to grow into yourself. He will treasure every bit of you, I promise. Your past, your present and your future, all a means to love you.

So, go ahead, live your life, love the way you love, make mistakes and learn your lessons. Your life will be all that you envisioned and all that you’ve desired. Be patient and humble, trust yourself and love yourself. Not only will you find the love of a real man but you will love you, unconditionally.

You will be one badass woman.

xo,

Your future self.

 

P.S.

Oh and this mom thing, you’ve got it handled but you should know the older she gets the more like you she will become, sort of.

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I gave up my life for you.

At times I feel like I deserve a do over.

And then I feel guilty for thinking such things.

The weight of the world has always been on my shoulders.

To be a mom is God’s greatest gift, to be a single mom, perhaps a blessing and a curse.

When she gets restless and acts ungrateful I feel a resentment burn inside me.

I gave up my life for you, perhaps a better life and you wanna talk back to me? You wanna fight and argue with me when I say no.

A resentful feeling of frustration manifest inside of me and then the guilt comes, never far behind.

I can’t feel any other emotions because the guilt is always in the distance over shadowing any other sense of emotion.

I gave up my life for you and you don’t even realize it.

My time, my energy, my sense of control and my peace, never have I felt so vulnerable and helpless.

He calls and has a 30 minute conversation, gives you a couple bucks and he’s done his duty for the week perhaps the month and here I stand, disregarded and disrespected.

I gave up my life for you and I’m the bad parent.

I’m the one who hands out punishments and deals with the stress and the headaches, let’s not even talk about the heartaches.

I gave up another life for you, one where I’m selfish.

At times I feel like I deserve a do over.

A guilt manifests so deep inside that I can’t shake the idea of no you, no me.

He gave up nothing for you and somehow his guilt doesn’t consume him.

Somehow you can forgive him and love him despite it.

He feels no guilt, he feels no shame.

He feels no worry, no stress or heartbreak.

I gave up myself for you.

At times the weight is too hard to carry, at times too much to bear and so I cry.

I cry because I can’t control you and I worry.

You have no idea what the weight of the world feels like.

You have no idea, Life doesn’t offer a do over.

This is America.

My family and I have been dealing with a case of itchiness. We’re not sure what’s going on but 3 weeks ago I broke out into hives. I went to urgent care because it is impossible to get in to see my doctor in a reasonable amount of time. I was told there that it was not scabies but they couldn’t tell me what it was. I was given a prescription and sent on my way. The medication I received worked miracles, my rash was gone in a matter of minutes, but the itch sensation has remained.

My daughter and my boyfriend are also itchy. After consulting Dr. Google my boyfriend, who you should know is a total germaphobe, decided that we have scabies. So off we all go to urgent care, a different urgent care than the one I went to by myself.

Of course, this urgent care does not accept my daughter and me’s insurance so they refer us to one that does just right down the street.  I wish I would have just paid the $125 fee to be seen there and saved myself the aggravation.

It was about 6:45 when we walked in, they close at 8, we were not greeted with a smile or concern, we got a dry ass “Hello”, I replied with “Hi, my daughter and I both need to be seen.”

“Well, we have over an hour wait.”

Ok, so that comment alone might not mean much except exactly what it states but her tone was outta control. I work customer service so I know how much it sucks when someone walks in 10 min to closing, I was ready to give her the benefit of the doubt, even though they didn’t close for over an hour.

“That’s fine.” I smiled in reply.

“Ok, I need your IDs.” still dry.

“I have my ID but she doesn’t have one.” I point to my daughter.

“Oh, then I can’t help you.” She quickly dismissed us.

“She’s a minor, so she doesn’t have one,” I reply

“Oh, ok we can just use yours.”

“I don’t have the physical medical ID cards but..”

She was quick to cut me off, “Oh, well we need those.”

“Yeah, I have them in the app.”

“No, no, that won’t work we need the ID numbers.”

“Yes, the ID cards are in the app.” I start to get annoyed and I’m sure my face reflected it.

“Ok, email them here.” she hands me a paper with an email on it.

As I’m emailing her the ID cards two white women walk in and this is what I hear from the dry, unhappy receptionist.

“Hello Ladies, how can we help you today?”

I turn to see the two white women standing behind us.

“Yes, of course, we will be right with you ladies.”

I was livid. Why didn’t they get a weak ass greeting? Why weren’t they told that it was over an hour wait?

My name and my daughter’s names were placed on the waiting list on the TV where you can see how many people are ahead of you. The white woman’s name was placed behind ours. When my name was at the top of the list, meaning I was next, the white woman was called back. I was pissed but then they brought her back out, she had gone back for x-rays and then brought back out, ok that’s fine. We waited and were now the only people in the waiting room. They opened the door and guess who they called back, not us!! We sat there and waited. I sat there going over the whole encounter in my head.

Was this really happening?

By the time they called us back, they asked if we wouldn’t mind being seen together, I agreed.

They did the intake and it was maybe 8:15, this white doctor comes in and says, “I understand you’re both dealing with itchy skin.”

We nod.

“Ok, well I’ve seen about 14 to 15 people in the last couple hours, you being 14 and her 15,” he points to my daughter. “I’m not a dermatologist so there isn’t much I can do except refer you to one.”

At this point my boyfriend has been prescribed 4 different medications in an attempt to cure the itch, he was told it was not scabies.

The doctor we were seeing didn’t even attempt to examine our skin until I said, “My boyfriend was seen down the street, told it was not scabies and prescribed 4 different medications, including an anti-fungal pill just in case.”

He mumbled something and then checked my back, “This is because you’ve been scratching.” He didn’t even check my daughter.

He mentioned that two of his nurses had to leave at 8 and that he had dinner plans that would not be interrupted.

“I’ll prescribe you something for the itch.”

He left only to return and then check my daughter, just the skin he could see, she was in a tank top.

He told me that if my boyfriend’s medication helped that I could call in and ask for him, he would then prescribe the same medication for us.

I mean, what the fuck was that about?

Did all that really just go down like that?

Ummm, was it because we’re Mexican and not white?

I mean, we’re American, born and raised in the United States so why, why the harsh treatment and quick dismissal. The judgment and dismissal weren’t just by one person in this facility.

A clip from clueless playing in my mind, “This is America.”

The part of the movie where they tell her they have coke available as an option for lunch. I’m a 90s kid so of course as I’m thinking about America and being an American, that pops into my head.

I was so livid when we left that, of course, I argued with my man, it wasn’t his fault but I took it out on him. I told him what happened and he didn’t believe me until I yelped the place. That was wrong and it made me feel so small. No one deserves that kind of treatment, no one!

Have you experienced anything similar? Share with me!