Porn and your relationship.

You come home from work to find your significant other passed out on the sofa, the iPad next to them. You pick up the iPad with no intention of browsing through the history and yet somehow you find deleted porn sites in your browser’s history?

Are you angry? Is it funny? What true emotions does this moment evoke from you?

I guess it’s a matter of preference, some couples watch porn together but even if you are open to that, are you open to your SO other watching without you?

Is it the fact that this person is watching porn or is it the fact that they are trying to hide it? Which would anger or hurt you more?

According to an article from Fightthenewdrug.org porn sites receive more regular traffic than Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter combined each month!! WOW. The article also stated that people who had extramarital affairs were 300% more likely to admit consuming porn than those who never had an affair. Check the website out for yourself, it’s got some interesting stats and info. The name of the website itself is on point about today’s world.

In my opinion, porn is a negative, not just in relationships but with your own self-loving relationship.

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We’re told that it’s normal for boys to look at dirty magazines and watch naughty movies, growing up I remember being online and seeing pop-ups for porn sites, my curiosity getting the best of me I would click on it. It made me feel uncomfortable and then it made me feel a certain way, ya know, and then I felt shame.

Shame for looking at it and then shame for getting that “weird feeling”.

Now, as a grown woman, I know porn doesn’t do it for me and I realize that the shame I felt was for looking at something I wasn’t supposed to be looking at.

You ever masturbate and then feel guilty for it because you know God is watching and he does not approve? That’s not a good vibe.

My point being, porn is a gateway to all those emotions of shame and guilt. More so if you’re in a committed relationship and your partner frowns on it.

Is it cheating if you hide it? Answer this for me, men and women, do you consider porn cheating? If so, why?

I am curious as to why:

Why watch porn?

Why watch porn and hide it?

Why watch porn when you’re in a committed relationship?

Why?

Men and women, what’s the big draw? Besides the obvious getting off.giphy1

This post contains a lot of questions for you, my reader,  so feel free to share your truest thoughts and opinions without remorse. (Safe space!) Thanks in advance!

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To be or not to be…a raging bitch?

So here we are, months from my child’s high school graduation and while I am super excited to see her achieve this milestone in her life it has also become a sort of stress-inducing situation.

Let me fill you in on a little bit of the back story:

15 is the age I was when I had her, as was her father.

15 was the age he decided he didn’t want to be a father.

He was in and out of her life, in when he was “attempting” to reconcile our relationship and out when he and I were at opposite ends.

His family, while they made a minimal effort to be in her life, were and are just as self-serving as he is. You know the type, the mom who can’t admit her son is wrong, the type who makes excuses for all his actions… that is who he is, that’s who raised him.

The last 18 years of her life have been an emotional rollercoaster of unresolved feelings and bouts of anger, directed at me because she cannot direct them where they belong, their relationship is not that solid, it would not survive her honesty.

If we’re being honest he wouldn’t accept her honesty, he would simply blame me and say I brainwashed her. Her father is the type of guy who is never wrong and bad things just seem to happen to him, he has never accepted an ounce of responsibility for his actions, I’m speaking in regards to her.

When she was 8, I packed up our stuff and relocated from San Diego to Riverside County, 2 1/2 hours away from him, his family, my family, my friends and anything we’d ever known. It was our fresh start and I could not be more grateful for the move we made.

Not once did he say to me, “Don’t take her.” Instead the first few years I heard a lot of, “I’m going to take you to court.” I welcomed the idea because maybe then he could build a relationship with her. It never happened.

In the 1o years that we have lived here, he has made the trip a handful of times. (I’m not even being dramatic.) On the occasion that he made his way out here to pick her up for the weekend or we met him halfway, I always ended up having to go all the way to San Diego to pick her up because he decided he didn’t want to make the drive to hold up his end of the commitment. I put an end to that quickly and never heard a complaint from him about it.

If this sounds like I’m just complaining about the shitty man I had a child with, I am but it’s only because I need you to understand what’s coming next.

I am the parent. In all aspects. I have always been the parent, even when I turned 18 and then 21, even when I partied and had moments of selfishness, I have always been the parent.

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I am blessed to no longer be doing this alone, my boyfriend has been in her life for almost 8 years now as a father figure and while she doesn’t call him dad, that’s exactly who has been for her.

We have come along way with her, teenagers suck. We’ve dealt with the weed, the drinking, the sneaking out, the sneaking in, the lies, the attitude….(oh Lord the attitude) and the overall teenage drama.

When she began to act out, I made an effort to reach out to him, I explained what was happening and he said, ” I will talk to her.”

Well, that conversation never happened, he has yet to have a conversation with her that reflects him in a parental light. I decided, he just wasn’t that man in her life. (He made that decision for us all actually.)

She loves him, despite all his flaws, she loves him. He has no idea how undeserving of that devotion he is.

Welcome to my dilemma.

 

She gets 7, count them, 7 tickets to graduation. I have no intention of reserving any of those tickets for his family, I had no intention of reserving a ticket for him. I expressed my feelings to her and she expressed hers.

“He’s my dad.”

I guess.

Am I wrong? Am I wrong for not wanting him to be a part of something that WE, her and I, my boyfriend and I have worked so hard on? My boyfriend knows and respects the fact that he will be there, he’s not childish or immature in any way.

I just don’t understand how he could even show his face knowing he hasn’t been a parent her whole life. This parenting shit isn’t easy and I’ll be damned if credit isn’t given where credit is due. WE have done everything to motivate her academics, to help her pursue her college career, to make her a better person.

WE have just simply been her parents.

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Do I let go and just let it play out?

His child support hasn’t been paid in over a year, maybe he can earn his ticket by catching up on his payments? (It’s not about money, it’s about principle.)

Be a fucking father, don’t just pretend to be one for the gram.

Thanks for reading my long post. Your opinions are welcome.

Man, Woman, Lover or Friend.

Sometimes, you realize that the one person you thought was there, never really was.

Man or woman, lover or friend.

You see them in a different light, through different eyes. You’ve grown and matured, maybe quicker than them, maybe slower than them but you’re no longer on the same wavelength. You no longer need to share every detail, they’re not the first person you think of when a life-changing thing happens, and they’re not the first person you think of when something minor happens either.

They’ve drifted off. Or maybe it was you? You might have quite possibly outgrown this person.

Man or woman, lover or friend.

You might have seen them in a different light and maybe realized they were that way all along.

You’ve lost respect, gotten some perspective and yeah, maybe you’ve been a bit judgemental. You expected more or hoped for more from this person.

Man or woman, lover or friend.

A wall was built between you and a wall doesn’t go up overnight, it takes time to build. You both laid the foundation, put up the bricks piece by piece and before you even realized it, there was this huge wall

Neither of you will tear it down, there’s a slight chance neither of you will even acknowledge this wall but its there.

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I’ve accepted it, started decorating it. Hanging up pictures in frames of familiar faces and quote’s that inspire me. Life just keeps going unaware of the many walls that are built by men and woman, lovers and friends.

Man or woman, lover or friend.

Decorate your side of the wall and move forward. Forget what was and acknowledge what is.

Best regards.

Cool little brown Girl

I grew up near the San Ysidro port of entry in San Diego, Ca. My parents are both from Tijuana, Mexico. My dad was adopted by my grandfather who was Puerto Rican and as such, an American citizen.  I was raised by Immigrants, a father who had the privilege of living his youth on the northern side of the border and a mother who like most immigrants, crossed the border on a daily basis to attend school until she and her siblings were given permanent residence.

I am the first generation born and raised in the United States, Mexican American, Hispanic, however, you want to say it. I cannot begin to comprehend the emotions and fear that our Latinx counterparts are currently enduring due to our political climate. My heart goes out to them and I will continue to pray that justice is served for those who have been wronged, however, this isn’t a post about them.

I grew up in a home where my father was educated, spoke perfect English and my mom was a stay at home mom who attempted to take English classes at night. It wasn’t necessary, over the years she learned to speak English through her kids, while it’s not perfect, she has been speaking English for most of her adult life.

When I was young my family traveled a lot due to my dad’s job. We had the privilege of driving cross country and visiting every state in the process. We saw things and experienced new places in great part due to his perseverance and unwillingness to settle in his career.

We spent a few years living in Georgia and then in South Carolina, where I was known as the little Mexican girl. I didn’t care, I was from California and that made me the cool little brown girl from the west coast. I thrived on who I was even as a child. While all the local girls had blonde hair and blue eyes, I had long espresso colored hair and dark brown eyes. giphy

There were other Hispanic girls there for the same reason I was but I found myself drawn to a different crowd. My African American friends, yes the black girls made me feel like I was just one of the girls! They fiercely defended me when anyone said anything about how I spoke or why I had an accent. (For the record the only accent I have is the one all Mexican girls have… it’s not really an accent, it’s just the way we talk.)

All our years of travel and relocation allowed me to grow up knowing that we are all different, we all come from different places and have different backgrounds. I have never disliked someone because of something that is out of their control. I am grateful for the job my dad held for over 30 years, I am proud of him for having the career that he did and being the man that he is.

In today’s society due to political outrage, my father would not be seen as such a hero.

My dad retired from The US Border Patrol last year and I am so grateful that he did due to the monstrosity that is immigration reform in today’s society. While I see him for the man he truly is other people may not have. I grew up in a time where having a father working in the Border Patrol was something I could brag about. What about now? What about these kids who have parents that are agents now? In today’s society where they are villainized, how can these kids not be afraid to say, “My parent is a Border Patrol Agent.” What about their spouses who do not know what their next shift may bring… I remember praying to God, on many occasions, that my dad would make it home safe. That was just normal fear and anxiety because I knew my dad carried a gun for a living.  I’m sure all families that have a parent, spouse or relative in law enforcement can relate but now, today, the way things are, I can’t imagine.

Listen, I’m not blind or in denial. The state of our immigration situation is dire and I’m not a fool, not all agents are stand up but before you judge or before you say something that you don’t know too much about, remember these agents have families that they want to get home to. These agents have jobs to do and they abide by a set of morals we may never understand.

My dad told many stories where he was often called a “traidor” by his Mexican counterparts.

He also told stories of how they(Agents) leave basic necessities in the desert, like water and blankets for those who have crossed and find themselves in dire need.

Not everything is black and white. Things are very blurry in our political climate and it’s a scary time not just for immigrants but also for these men and women who have a job to do, families to support, mouths to feed. A government job is a job, a job with benefits and perks, isn’t that what we strive for?

My intent in this post wasn’t to upset anyone, I’m not in agreement with the way things are being handled or not handled. I just have a different perspective and a personal point of view. After all, we are all people with emotions and opinions. Speak yours as I have spoken mine.

 

Expectations

I wanna know why we let our emotions get the better of us?

Why does a woman allow her heart to over power her mind?

We know when we are wrong, we know when we gotta let go and we truly know when we have to move on and yet we don’t.

Is it stubbornness?

Is it ego?

Is it love?

Who the fuck knows?

You do bitch. You know.

It’s you being a fuckin terca, throwing a fucking tantrum bc a man told you no.

Because you ain’t getting what you expected.

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Expectation is a tricky bitch.

Are you one of them that jumps from dude to dude with high expectations?

Are you a hopeless romantic?

Are you afraid of being alone?

It’s not them, it’s us.

Don’t expect a man to fix you.

Don’t expect a man to fix your life.

A man, a fiancé, a husband isn’t gonna fix shit.

Fix yourself so that when the right man comes along you won’t be expecting anything but genuine love from him and be wise enough to know that if he isn’t giving it willingly, he isn’t going to.

On the other end of that spectrum, when you know, you know.

Nothing, not time, not distance, not bumps in the road will steer you off track. You’ll make it, together.

And when I say bumps in the road I don’t mean infidelity or shit that you bring into the relationship. I mean the shit that is out of your control, things that happen in life that you are unprepared for.

Stop fighting for a man who can’t keep his dick in check. Or check yourself and stop giving your pussy to random dudes.

Keeping it real, we can be shady too.

Don’t bring in extra drama, relationships are hard enough without someone adding to the mix.

So again I ask, why do we allow our emotions to run shit? When your mind is clearly giving you the answers when your gut is screaming at you, why do we listen to our bleeding heart?

At the end of the day, the only person you should expect anything from is yourself.

You should expect yourself to be at peace when you’re alone.

You should expect yourself to pay your own damn bills.

You should expect yourself to know the difference between love and lust.

You should only expect greatness from yourself.

You.

Put you first and everything else will align.

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I woke up and I was in a different body…

How the fuck did I get here?

The room is unfamiliar, the bed, while incredibly comfortable smells like a man.

I dig my head into the pillow in an effort to identify the smell, unknown and yet so familiar.

My body feels different, heavier, sluggish, I touch my face in an attempt to make sure I am still me.

I slide my hands down to my breast, yup, still me.

I’ve been begging my boobs to grow since I hit puberty, they didn’t care how much I begged.

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The rest of me feels thicker, definitely not a size small anymore.

I must be in a different body, this can’t be me.

I lift my new heavier body out of bed and walk over to the huge mirror occupying the wall and there she is.

I woke up and I was in a different body.

I wonder if this new body has money in the bank… hmmm

She’s a little older than me but still very pretty, youthful in her face and neck.

Who is she and why does she seem so familiar.

I glance at the photographs that occupy her wall, a familiar face.

She is me. A different, older version but without a doubt, me.

It’s horrifying, where did my youth go and who the fuck said I wanted to be an adult!?

 

You guys ever feel like you woke up in a different body? Where the fuck did the time go and when did we become adults with responsibilities! Tell me, what is something that you wish you would have known before entering adulthood? I wish I would have known just how real it is when they say, MONEY DOESN’T GROW ON TREES! FML. Oh, and I would have listened when I was told to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!

SEX & the average woman?

SEX.

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For women, the beginning of our sexual lives is daunting. Those of us raised to believe that we should wait until marriage or we will be punished by God had a much harder time giving up our virginity than most. It doesn’t mean we didn’t or that we waited until marriage, it just means we had a complex over it and felt a guilt that tormented us for much longer than necessary.

One man, that is all it takes to shatter you. One man to fuck you up and give you a complex and fill you with insecurities. Isn’t that the way it goes ladies?

As you piece yourself back together you learn all about life, love, and sex.

SEX and all the power it gives us, SEX and all the emotions it brings on, SEX and the goddess inside you. That badass woman you had yet to acknowledge.

I went on to have a very active and satisfying sex life. Did I suffer from a broken heart, absolutely, it’s part of the growth process but I realized in my twenties that a broken heart would heal and the woman you are meant to be will very much find her way into existence.

Sex was a part of that growth, without a doubt.

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I find myself in my early 30’s, in love and monogamous.

I do not feel unsatisfied instead I feel as if sometimes I cannot satisfy… does that make sense?

I don’t want you to think I don’t want to have sex but sometimes, I just don’t want to have sex.

Of course, that sounds horrible and it makes me feel horrible but I wonder if it has to do with my age or perhaps my weight? Maybe the ovarian cyst that I have dealt with have also hindered my desire? I guess that can also be attributed to my weight as with all health concerns you are told to lose a few pounds.

Maybe that’s the cure to everything?

Am I too comfortable at this unhealthy weight?

Am I just super lazy at this stage in my life or what the fuck is happening??

It didn’t use to take very much to get me hot and bothered.

I wonder if I started to soon and I’ve run out of sex drive? (Is that possible?) I also wonder if those cysts can be some sort of physical punishment for my active sex life so early on. No, no I guess that’s not the way it works right?

Why does it seem to take much more than it used to?

I’m confused and angry with myself.

It has to be my weight right?

We do have a teenager in the next room and while that didn’t bother me before she’s made it very clear that the walls are thin. (Sorry!)

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It’s a combination of all things, I guess?

How do you explain this to your man without him feeling like you’re no longer attracted to him?

I let that thought simmer for a while, could that be it?

Nope, not it, I still find myself very much attracted to him but that sex drive, that desire for sex itself is harder to engage than it was even a year ago.

I decided to exercise more and eat better, I’ll let you know how that goes.

Listen, we are told to be confident at any size and at any weight but I will be the first to admit that I have been unhappy with myself for a while. There is no shame in that and I’m not bashing anyone who weighs what I weigh and is glowing in confidence, that’s amazing!

So make a change and stop crying, right?

That’s more of a mental challenge for me than an actual physical one.

(If I could only get my mouth to cooperate.)

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It is mental, it’s all mental. So how do you reprogram yourself?

First of all:

Don’t feel bad for feeling bad about your weight.

Don’t feel ashamed for struggling, we all struggle.

Don’t allow these things to affect your life, especially your sex life.

I talked to my man and he understood. He also enlightened me to the fact that not only does me being unhappy and uncomfortable with myself kill my sex drive but it makes me really moody and kind of a bitch.

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Not a good vibe.

I don’t want to be a size 12 or a size 14; I don’t want to weigh 200 pounds. I don’t care if that sounds negative, I want to be at a healthy weight and be whatever size comes with that weight.

I want to have sex with my man and lots of it.

I’m curious; ladies do you struggle in the same way? Have you noticed a change in your sex drive with your weight, age or with your lifestyle choices?

Let’s share and help women struggling with these everyday issues!

 

 

A letter to my younger self.

Dear Julie,

At some point in your life, you’re going to find yourself fighting for a man who isn’t yours. You will eventually realize that you took your bruised heart from one unworthy man to another. He will seem right but I promise you he is all wrong. You have let him go before and you will let him go again. He won’t make it easy to walk away, in fact, when you finally build the courage to let go he will pull you back in.

Being who you are and loving the way you do, you will let him.

You will make a million mistakes for him and because of him but don’t worry they won’t matter. They will allow you to learn yourself and grow into yourself. The men who come into your life after him will help you heal, also allowing you to learn about yourself. They will serve their purpose and then you will move on.

There will be a chapter in your life where you will find yourself alone but I promise you will find the light. All of your life experiences will serve you. You see, there is a man waiting for you. A man who will make you realize and help you understand why nothing else seemed to fit. This man will love you. YOU. Who you truly are. He will be the one to give you that final push into womanhood, allowing you to grow into yourself. He will treasure every bit of you, I promise. Your past, your present and your future, all a means to love you.

So, go ahead, live your life, love the way you love, make mistakes and learn your lessons. Your life will be all that you envisioned and all that you’ve desired. Be patient and humble, trust yourself and love yourself. Not only will you find the love of a real man but you will love you, unconditionally.

You will be one badass woman.

xo,

Your future self.

 

P.S.

Oh and this mom thing, you’ve got it handled but you should know the older she gets the more like you she will become, sort of.

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What a man wants, matters.

Why is it so hard for us to let go of toxic people?

We make excuses for them and about them, about their actions or lack of actions.

We have a kid or kids with said person and in our minds that designates this person with a lifetime of do-overs.

Um, no.

I have a baby daddy and letting him go was hard, until it wasn’t.

I’ve been lost in infatuation and love and letting go of that man was hard until it wasn’t. (different guy, FYI.)

My point is that when you’re in the thick of it, in the midst of the madness you can’t see said person for who they really are, man or woman. Baby daddy or baby momma.

Letting go of a man who doesn’t serve you isn’t easy. I am the first to admit that when we want something all logic goes out the window.

I was 15 when I had my daughter, until the age of 18, her father was the only man I’d ever been with, sexually and emotionally.

The second guy came into my life while I was pregnant, making it a difficult situation for all involved, especially me. How was I supposed to handle a situation so complicated?

I got my chance to try with, “right guy wrong time” guy, right before turning 18. In short, things did not go the way I hoped. In fact, they turned out to be much more complicated and it took me two years to move on. He would come and go and I would come and go. In that time, I went back to my baby daddy, not because we were meant to be or because I loved him but simply because I could. It didn’t matter that he was an ass or a monster, what mattered was that he was familiar. Baby daddy so desperately wanted to be in control of me and our relationship that he also came and went when necessary. That is called costumbre, a crazy kind of comfort that shitty relationships give us because we’re used to them.

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That is not healthy.

It’s bullshit. It’s drama. It’s pain.

I went through my share of men and relationships and I realized that the only reason I suffered was that I allowed myself to.

Me.

Is that what you’re doing? Are you allowing yourself to suffer?

You can do everything right, you can be the perfect woman and if that man is not ready or he is unwilling to do right, it won’t matter. That man has to want to do right by you and he has to be ready. Women make the mistake of waiting or trying to fix him and make him ready, make him want the same. You can walk away and find a man who is ready and willing, a man who wants what you want or you can stand idly by waiting for a man to become ready and willing. But until that man WANTS to do right by you, he won’t.

STOP waiting for a man who is unwilling.

STOP trying to convince him that you’re the one.

STOP putting him and the relationship before you and your self-worth.

I know it’s easier said than done but how much longer are you going to waste your life?

It was hard for me until it wasn’t.

You’ll get to “it wasn’t” much sooner if you accept the reality of your situation and let go.

Not everyone is meant to stay, not everyone deserves or wants to be saved. Some people are meant to be was and used to be. Figure out who’s who and move on.

STOP making excuses, so what he was your first, you’ve invested years, you have a kid or two, so what?

One baby daddy

Two baby daddy

Three baby daddy

Four…who the fuck cares. You don’t deserve to play second best. You are not trapped or stuck. You’re confused and scared because change is scary and letting go is hard but it’s worth it. Walk away with your head held high. You have an example to set, self-worth matters more than how many baby daddy’s you have.

Life happens while you’re busy trying to make a man want you, do yourself a favor and walk away.

Walk away and I promise if he’s meant to be yours he won’t let you.

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Men are not as complicated as we think, they either want it or they don’t. It’s not confusing for them, they may have conflicting feelings at times but they know when they want someone and they do what they gotta do.

So you do what you gotta do until the right man, the willing man comes along. ♥

How do you feel about this topic and this post? Would you be willing to read a book dedicated to this subject? My newest book is directed and dedicated to women, a guide of sorts to let go.

Do you love yourself enough

I’m hoping to release mid-summer and if you’d like details to pre-order or receive a pre-release copy drop a comment, leave your email or simply subscribe to the blog! Gracias!