What a man wants, matters.

Why is it so hard for us to let go of toxic people?

We make excuses for them and about them, about their actions or lack of actions.

We have a kid or kids with said person and in our minds that designates this person with a lifetime of do-overs.

Um, no.

I have a baby daddy and letting him go was hard, until it wasn’t.

I’ve been lost in infatuation and love and letting go of that man was hard until it wasn’t. (different guy, FYI.)

My point is that when you’re in the thick of it, in the midst of the madness you can’t see said person for who they really are, man or woman. Baby daddy or baby momma.

Letting go of a man who doesn’t serve you isn’t easy. I am the first to admit that when we want something all logic goes out the window.

I was 15 when I had my daughter, until the age of 18, her father was the only man I’d ever been with, sexually and emotionally.

The second guy came into my life while I was pregnant, making it a difficult situation for all involved, especially me. How was I supposed to handle a situation so complicated?

I got my chance to try with, “right guy wrong time” guy, right before turning 18. In short, things did not go the way I hoped. In fact, they turned out to be much more complicated and it took me two years to move on. He would come and go and I would come and go. In that time, I went back to my baby daddy, not because we were meant to be or because I loved him but simply because I could. It didn’t matter that he was an ass or a monster, what mattered was that he was familiar. Baby daddy so desperately wanted to be in control of me and our relationship that he also came and went when necessary. That is called costumbre, a crazy kind of comfort that shitty relationships give us because we’re used to them.

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That is not healthy.

It’s bullshit. It’s drama. It’s pain.

I went through my share of men and relationships and I realized that the only reason I suffered was that I allowed myself to.

Me.

Is that what you’re doing? Are you allowing yourself to suffer?

You can do everything right, you can be the perfect woman and if that man is not ready or he is unwilling to do right, it won’t matter. That man has to want to do right by you and he has to be ready. Women make the mistake of waiting or trying to fix him and make him ready, make him want the same. You can walk away and find a man who is ready and willing, a man who wants what you want or you can stand idly by waiting for a man to become ready and willing. But until that man WANTS to do right by you, he won’t.

STOP waiting for a man who is unwilling.

STOP trying to convince him that you’re the one.

STOP putting him and the relationship before you and your self-worth.

I know it’s easier said than done but how much longer are you going to waste your life?

It was hard for me until it wasn’t.

You’ll get to “it wasn’t” much sooner if you accept the reality of your situation and let go.

Not everyone is meant to stay, not everyone deserves or wants to be saved. Some people are meant to be was and used to be. Figure out who’s who and move on.

STOP making excuses, so what he was your first, you’ve invested years, you have a kid or two, so what?

One baby daddy

Two baby daddy

Three baby daddy

Four…who the fuck cares. You don’t deserve to play second best. You are not trapped or stuck. You’re confused and scared because change is scary and letting go is hard but it’s worth it. Walk away with your head held high. You have an example to set, self-worth matters more than how many baby daddy’s you have.

Life happens while you’re busy trying to make a man want you, do yourself a favor and walk away.

Walk away and I promise if he’s meant to be yours he won’t let you.

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Men are not as complicated as we think, they either want it or they don’t. It’s not confusing for them, they may have conflicting feelings at times but they know when they want someone and they do what they gotta do.

So you do what you gotta do until the right man, the willing man comes along. ♥

How do you feel about this topic and this post? Would you be willing to read a book dedicated to this subject? My newest book is directed and dedicated to women, a guide of sorts to let go.

Do you love yourself enough

I’m hoping to release mid-summer and if you’d like details to pre-order or receive a pre-release copy drop a comment, leave your email or simply subscribe to the blog! Gracias!

 

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Besties lead to Bullies?

Last week, as I was getting ready for work, I was watching Good Morning America and they shared a piece about a woman who removed her child from preschool because the school banned the use of the word BFF.

I stopped what I was doing to watch the piece when Natalie walked in and began watching with me. She rolled her eyes as they explained that the use of the word BFF promotes cliques and leads to feelings of exclusion and bullying in some cases.

“Ridiculous right?” I asked her, curious as to what she had to say.

“Banning the word is not going to stop friendships from forming and they shouldn’t make a positive thing in school so negative.”

She is 100% correct.

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When did having BFF’s become a negative thing? I don’t know about you guys but my BFF’s helped me survive high school and beyond. My relationships with these women became so rooted that I don’t call them my Best Friends, I call them my Soul Mates. These relationships were formed in school and while yes, maybe people were intimidated or thought they may not have been part of the circle, it wasn’t intentional. It’s a part of life.

We keep removing the situations that build character and build personal strength and confidence.

Natalie then proceeded to tell me that the current senior class at her school would be the last to have seniors graduating in white and they would be the last class to have a valedictorian.

WTF.

What about these kids who have built their school careers in the hopes of graduating in all white and/or potentially being valedictorian? Is this not ridiculous? Why remove the competitive spirit? Will this competitiveness be removed from the workplace or real-life situations? NO, of course not.

We as a society complain about bullies but we are softening the future generations. Not all kids deserve a trophy at the end of the soccer season and the ones that do should shine, not because they are better people but because they have worked on their craft and/or they have god given talent.

You can’t excel in all aspects of life so where you do thrive you should be recognized.

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Let kids have best friends, let them enjoy their youth and form bonds that will help form them. Don’t be negative about positive things. Not everyone in life is going to like you and kids should learn that early on, it’s not mean, it’s real.

Why remove the reward from high school graduation? You are uninspiring our kids!

We are going to be stuck with a generation that lacks a competitive drive and whines about life not being fair because they were coddled and overprotected.

For the record, I understand not all situations are easy and some kids react differently to certain situations, this is why parents need to instill confidence in the home. I’m not an expert and my kids not perfect but she understands the concept of real life. She gets that no one is going to hand her an education or a paycheck, she is going to have to work for it and compete for top dollar.

Reality slaps you hard when you enter the real world, let’s not remove the core of what makes us able to stay standing.

These are my personal thoughts and opinions. I’d love to hear yours! Comment below!

Soul Mates Matter

A soul mate by definition is 1: a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament. 2: a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs; ideological soul mates.

Carrie Bradshaw once said,

“Maybe our girlfriends are our soul mates and guys are just people to have fun with.”

The woman is a genius.

How is it that a man would find himself perfectly suited to a woman in temperament?

Maybe a man and a woman could have similar attitudes and beliefs but I do not believe we are suited in temperament.

Men and women are different, built differently, we vibe off each other in that sentiment.

With that being said, your soul mate is not a man silly.

Your soul mate has been by your side as the men have come and gone from your life.

Your soul mate has never judged you, instead has told you exactly what you did not want to hear and then supported you when you went ahead and did what you wanted to anyway.

Never, not once has she abandoned you, maybe given you some space because let’s be honest, you needed it.

I am a lucky woman, you see I do not have a soul mate, I have soul mates.♥

Women who have made my journey through life a little less rocky and a lot more enjoyable.

My soul mates have hung tight through bouts of selfishness and immaturity and I’d like to say that I have done the same.

Every tribe of women has within it specific rolls that each soul mate fills, these rolls intertwine with one another creating this tribe that holds strong through all the dramatic bullshit life likes to throw your way.

We have the mature and responsible one, the one who maintained a job while going to school and made sure we all got home in one piece.

Even on nights, we didn’t want to.

 

Which one of your soul mates is the loud and overly dramatic one, maybe a couple of you have this role locked down?

Then you’ve got the ambitious one of the bunch, the one who will one day be famous, if not for her talents but for murder or fraud.. me, you or her?

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And then you’ve got the floater.

You love her dearly and trust her with your life and her having her own social circle outside of your tribe is totally acceptable.

The reality is anyone of these descriptions could fit you or anyone of your soul mates, my point being you are all suited to each other in temperament.

Soul mates by the utter definition of the word.

No relationship is easy to maintain, especially not one that involves several women.

We say mean things about each other, to each other.

We voice our opinions often and without fear because we are suited to do so.

Now you may be thinking that you could pinpoint one woman to each definition but sit and think about it, you are all one in the same. You are all responsible when necessary, you have all been crazy and dramatic, you’re all ambitious in life and you have created friendships and relationships outside of your safe zone.

Women are unique by nature, predictable at times and at other times we have moments in life that even throw our soul mates for a loop.

On many occasions, we have thrown each other for complete and total loops. Doing things that we ourselves had not anticipated but life gave us choices and we made decisions.

My soul mates are many miles from me but when I see them we pick up right where we left off. Life and time have kept moving as it always will, bringing with it, boyfriends, husbands, babies, divorces, and relocations.

Hold onto these women, love and appreciate them because like all relationships, they took work, time and effort.

What is your longest running friendship?

Can you see yourself without these women?

 

 

 

Amor o Costumbre?

Amor, Amor? Oh, solamente costumbre?

Do you know the difference between love and comfort?

The kind of comfort that offers a false sense of security.

The kind of comfort that is an everyday routine you’ve grown accustomed to?

To change it would be too difficult, too messy!

Some of us get stuck in this rut and we don’t even realize it’s a rut.

In Spanish, there is a saying of sorts, more of a question, “es amor, oh es costumbre?”

 

How do you know if you are in love or simply too comfortable to begin again?

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I get it, who wants to throw away years of faking it?

That’s what you’re doing, your faking it.

Stop it.

If you are simply in a relationship because it would take too much effort to remove yourself from it, you are fucking up your relationship with yourself. That’s the most important relationship of all.

If you have kids, what kind of example are you setting? I’m not judging, I get it, it’s hard but I also know that once you realize the reality of your relationship, you’ll be better off.

I once was an angry person, a negative person, a short-tempered person.

I was in the wrong relationship and I was hurting myself emotionally because I could not develop the courage to get out.

No, that’s a lie, I just didn’t want to start again. Even at a young age, the idea of starting over, all over with someone was so stressful that I didn’t want to do it.

I finally moved on and let go and I found myself.

I found me. The woman I was meant to be.

It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t boring either.

Life is meant to be lived and it’s too short to be lived comfortably.

Find someone who challenges you, who motivates you and pushes you.

Be someone who challenges, motivates and pushes.

How long are you going to hold onto the wrong type of love?

Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation?

Tell me how you overcame! (share, share!)

Who’s really being punished here?

We openly drink in our home, on weekends, during get-togethers, you know brunch and dinner type stuff.

My 17 YO daughter has been on restriction for the last two weeks, following an incident involving alcohol.

My guilt was getting the best of me, I thought to myself, maybe I’ve been a terrible influence, maybe I should stop. I even considered throwing out the alcohol we have in our home.

 

I pushed the guilt out of my head and decided that while I may be a weekend drinker,

mimosas with brunch

wine with dinner

a beer at a ball game

a margarita for happy hour

I’ve earned that right. I work hard and I provide so if I want to have a fuckin drink I will have a drink or two or three.

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She will not. Not until she is 21 and able to pay for her own alcohol.

As I pondered this I asked myself, who’s really being punished here?

Why do I feel guilty?

I feel suffocated, I gave her so much freedom, too much trust. It was easy for my boyfriend and me to escape on a Friday night and go have dinner and now, I don’t even want to leave her home alone for 20 minutes.

She hasn’t had her phone and it is like I have a toddler again.

All of the sudden she remembered she had a mom.

I can’t shower or pee without an interruption.

She says I’m being dramatic and Its not fair, she made a mistake and I’m going overboard.

“It’s not fair.”

She’s totally and absolutely right that it’s not fair.

It’s not fair that I can’t leave my 17-year-old home alone because I don’t trust her.

It’s not fair that I, her mother, had to drive her to the emergency room because I was terrified of what could have been in her system.

It’s not fair that I’ve lost a piece of my sanity, my peace of mind.

It’s not fair but it’s life.

I realize she is going to make these mistakes but it’s my job to ensure that these mistakes impact her life in a positive way, in a way that will teach a life lesson.

Your choices have consequences.

It’s been a long two weeks, for both of us.

This Mom Thing

Let’s talk about this mom thing

This make me wanna pull my hair out and scream thing.

This make me wanna cry thing

Throw a fit and throw up type thing.

Let’s talk about this mom thing, the thing that all women aspire to be, pray and hope for thing.

Let’s talk about how this mom thing ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

This mom thing.

This mom struggle.

This mom thing doesn’t get easier, shit just gets harder.

And yet somehow this mom thing is everything.

Don’t come into this light-hearted or you’ll fuck around and die broken-hearted.

This mom thing, mom to a teen thing, mom to a teen girl thing.

This mom thing is like karma striking and making you wish you would have been down with your own mom’s thing.

This mom thing making you feel gratitude, appreciation, and sorrow towards your own mom’s thing.

This mom thing, shit comes back around, making you understand this mom thing is a serious thing.

No bullshit and games, just real life type things.

This mom thing, it’s a for life thing.

To the woman who allowed my underage child to drink in her home.

What kind of mother are you?

To allow my child to be put at risk in your home.

To decide if she could have a drink or two or ten.

What kind of mother are you to allow another mothers child to be put in a situation where she cannot speak, stand, or be unconsciously unaware of her surroundings?

What kind of mother are you to watch a young woman drink in excess in a predominantly male environment?

What kind of mother are you to let her sit on your couch, unconscious and vulnerable?

 What kind of woman are you?

What kind of woman are you to watch and stand idly by, while another woman potentially endangers her life?

What kind of woman allows another woman to lower her self-awareness and not intervene?

What kind of woman is this?

The kind that becomes the type of mother who hasn’t got a clue.

The kind of woman who is the kind of mother who wants so desperately to be cool and young. Hip and in the crowd.

This is no real mother.

This is no real women.

She is a fraud.

A hazard.

A danger to womenkind.

A danger to your children and specifically to mine.

I could blame myself for allowing her to be in your home.

For trusting my child’s instincts.

I could blame myself but I blame you.

I am her mother.

She is my daughter.

How dare you put her future and her safety at risk!!

How dare you sit on the sidelines!!

How dare you influence her negatively!!

How dare you supply the evil that you supplied!!

How dare you not pick up the phone and call me!!

How dare you not intervene!!!

How dare you not call for help!!

You careless woman.

You careless mother.

What kind of mother are you?

I’m the kind of the mother that does not allow my child to be put at risk and sit idly by.

I’m the kind of mother that responds and reacts.

 A lioness full of fire.

 I’m the kind of mother whose child you should have never fucked with.

I’m the kind of mother who does not play childish games.

I’m the kind of mother who is an adult and capable of accepting that as an adult, I will handle the situation as such.

I’m the type of woman who does not care what it takes as long as justice is served for all women, specifically mine.

From the mother whose child, your recklessness put at risk.

Self-love is the most complicated love.

Love.

The word itself is complicated and yet simple.

A mothers love.

A fathers love.

The love of a spouse or significant other.

The love for your children.

Love.

Who do you love and why?

It’s usually pretty easy to answer that question.

You know why you love your significant other and why you love your kids.

You can quickly recall a story to express why you love your friends.

After all, you chose them.

What about you?

Do you love yourself?

What do you love about yourself?

What about you makes you special?

Do you have the ability to answer those questions without hesitation or do you have to think about it? Do you find yourself answering them and then doubting your own answers?

Self Love is the most complicated love.

We doubt our answers because we know ourselves better than anyone else. We figure that we deserve less and accept mediocre self-love.

Your deepest and darkest secrets come to mind and you believe that those things or situations make you less worthy of your own love!

I say to hell with that!!

So you had a one night stand or two, or three or four. Who cares!

So you cheated on your ex….again I say who cares.

You lied on your resume when you first started in your field. A little tweak here, another embellishment there, who hasn’t!

So your secrets go darker than that?

You’ve had an abortion, or two or three or four. Who the fuck cares.

Disclaimer; don’t use abortion as a form of birth control. These are my opinions, don’t hate me if you don’t agree.

You’ve had a threesome, with 2 men or another woman. Good for you! Fuck society and all their judgy standards!

You outed a family member, yikes but I’m sure they forgave you and you were truly sorry. And if you did that shit on purpose then fuck it, it’s done. You can’t change whats done, move forward.

You’re involved in an extramarital affair, now, currently, at this moment. Well, girl, you got some shit to figure out. So go ahead, figure it out.

All these situations should not impact your self-love.

YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON.

YOU ARE REAL.

YOU ARE A REAL FUCKIN WOMaN WITH REAL LIFE PROBLEMS AND SITUATIONS.

You’ll figure them out, you’ll get past them and forgive yourself if you haven’t already.

Don’t let that shit weigh you down. The past is the past.

Self Love is the most complicated love, it’s also the most rewarding.

Love. La la la la Love. YOURSELF.