SEX & the average woman?

SEX.

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For women, the beginning of our sexual lives is daunting. Those of us raised to believe that we should wait until marriage or we will be punished by God had a much harder time giving up our virginity than most. It doesn’t mean we didn’t or that we waited until marriage, it just means we had a complex over it and felt a guilt that tormented us for much longer than necessary.

One man, that is all it takes to shatter you. One man to fuck you up and give you a complex and fill you with insecurities. Isn’t that the way it goes ladies?

As you piece yourself back together you learn all about life, love, and sex.

SEX and all the power it gives us, SEX and all the emotions it brings on, SEX and the goddess inside you. That badass woman you had yet to acknowledge.

I went on to have a very active and satisfying sex life. Did I suffer from a broken heart, absolutely, it’s part of the growth process but I realized in my twenties that a broken heart would heal and the woman you are meant to be will very much find her way into existence.

Sex was a part of that growth, without a doubt.

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I find myself in my early 30’s, in love and monogamous.

I do not feel unsatisfied instead I feel as if sometimes I cannot satisfy… does that make sense?

I don’t want you to think I don’t want to have sex but sometimes, I just don’t want to have sex.

Of course, that sounds horrible and it makes me feel horrible but I wonder if it has to do with my age or perhaps my weight? Maybe the ovarian cyst that I have dealt with have also hindered my desire? I guess that can also be attributed to my weight as with all health concerns you are told to lose a few pounds.

Maybe that’s the cure to everything?

Am I too comfortable at this unhealthy weight?

Am I just super lazy at this stage in my life or what the fuck is happening??

It didn’t use to take very much to get me hot and bothered.

I wonder if I started to soon and I’ve run out of sex drive? (Is that possible?) I also wonder if those cysts can be some sort of physical punishment for my active sex life so early on. No, no I guess that’s not the way it works right?

Why does it seem to take much more than it used to?

I’m confused and angry with myself.

It has to be my weight right?

We do have a teenager in the next room and while that didn’t bother me before she’s made it very clear that the walls are thin. (Sorry!)

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It’s a combination of all things, I guess?

How do you explain this to your man without him feeling like you’re no longer attracted to him?

I let that thought simmer for a while, could that be it?

Nope, not it, I still find myself very much attracted to him but that sex drive, that desire for sex itself is harder to engage than it was even a year ago.

I decided to exercise more and eat better, I’ll let you know how that goes.

Listen, we are told to be confident at any size and at any weight but I will be the first to admit that I have been unhappy with myself for a while. There is no shame in that and I’m not bashing anyone who weighs what I weigh and is glowing in confidence, that’s amazing!

So make a change and stop crying, right?

That’s more of a mental challenge for me than an actual physical one.

(If I could only get my mouth to cooperate.)

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It is mental, it’s all mental. So how do you reprogram yourself?

First of all:

Don’t feel bad for feeling bad about your weight.

Don’t feel ashamed for struggling, we all struggle.

Don’t allow these things to affect your life, especially your sex life.

I talked to my man and he understood. He also enlightened me to the fact that not only does me being unhappy and uncomfortable with myself kill my sex drive but it makes me really moody and kind of a bitch.

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Not a good vibe.

I don’t want to be a size 12 or a size 14; I don’t want to weigh 200 pounds. I don’t care if that sounds negative, I want to be at a healthy weight and be whatever size comes with that weight.

I want to have sex with my man and lots of it.

I’m curious; ladies do you struggle in the same way? Have you noticed a change in your sex drive with your weight, age or with your lifestyle choices?

Let’s share and help women struggling with these everyday issues!

 

 

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A letter to my younger self.

Dear Julie,

At some point in your life, you’re going to find yourself fighting for a man who isn’t yours. You will eventually realize that you took your bruised heart from one unworthy man to another. He will seem right but I promise you he is all wrong. You have let him go before and you will let him go again. He won’t make it easy to walk away, in fact, when you finally build the courage to let go he will pull you back in.

Being who you are and loving the way you do, you will let him.

You will make a million mistakes for him and because of him but don’t worry they won’t matter. They will allow you to learn yourself and grow into yourself. The men who come into your life after him will help you heal, also allowing you to learn about yourself. They will serve their purpose and then you will move on.

There will be a chapter in your life where you will find yourself alone but I promise you will find the light. All of your life experiences will serve you. You see, there is a man waiting for you. A man who will make you realize and help you understand why nothing else seemed to fit. This man will love you. YOU. Who you truly are. He will be the one to give you that final push into womanhood, allowing you to grow into yourself. He will treasure every bit of you, I promise. Your past, your present and your future, all a means to love you.

So, go ahead, live your life, love the way you love, make mistakes and learn your lessons. Your life will be all that you envisioned and all that you’ve desired. Be patient and humble, trust yourself and love yourself. Not only will you find the love of a real man but you will love you, unconditionally.

You will be one badass woman.

xo,

Your future self.

 

P.S.

Oh and this mom thing, you’ve got it handled but you should know the older she gets the more like you she will become, sort of.

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I gave up my life for you.

At times I feel like I deserve a do over.

And then I feel guilty for thinking such things.

The weight of the world has always been on my shoulders.

To be a mom is God’s greatest gift, to be a single mom, perhaps a blessing and a curse.

When she gets restless and acts ungrateful I feel a resentment burn inside me.

I gave up my life for you, perhaps a better life and you wanna talk back to me? You wanna fight and argue with me when I say no.

A resentful feeling of frustration manifest inside of me and then the guilt comes, never far behind.

I can’t feel any other emotions because the guilt is always in the distance over shadowing any other sense of emotion.

I gave up my life for you and you don’t even realize it.

My time, my energy, my sense of control and my peace, never have I felt so vulnerable and helpless.

He calls and has a 30 minute conversation, gives you a couple bucks and he’s done his duty for the week perhaps the month and here I stand, disregarded and disrespected.

I gave up my life for you and I’m the bad parent.

I’m the one who hands out punishments and deals with the stress and the headaches, let’s not even talk about the heartaches.

I gave up another life for you, one where I’m selfish.

At times I feel like I deserve a do over.

A guilt manifests so deep inside that I can’t shake the idea of no you, no me.

He gave up nothing for you and somehow his guilt doesn’t consume him.

Somehow you can forgive him and love him despite it.

He feels no guilt, he feels no shame.

He feels no worry, no stress or heartbreak.

I gave up myself for you.

At times the weight is too hard to carry, at times too much to bear and so I cry.

I cry because I can’t control you and I worry.

You have no idea what the weight of the world feels like.

You have no idea, Life doesn’t offer a do over.

Self Published.

I recently self-published a book called, “Heart First, Head Later.”

Writing the book was a self-evolving process. I allowed myself to reminisce about my past and the experiences that broke me and helped me grow.

Writing is therapeutic for me and I’m sure many others. As a writer, I can only hope that what I am putting into the universe is acknowledged and appreciated.

When I first began the book it was not going to be based solely on my experiences but those of the women who I find myself learning from. I quickly realized that in order for me to express what other women have taught me, I first had to appreciate what I have taught myself.

“Heart First, Head Later” is my story, through poems and storytelling I allow you a glimpse into who I was and how I became the strong-minded, independent women I am today. This is the scariest thing I’ve ever done. I had a baby at 15 and compared to this, that was a piece of cake.

It is the scariest thing imaginable to put yourself out there for the world to see. To express your truths knowing not only people who do not know you will read it but also people who do know you. I am afraid of being judged for the mistakes I made in my youth, but I am willing to be judged if it will allow a woman or girl who feels like she is in it alone, know that she is not. No women should ever feel as though she is the only one. We have all done things and made mistakes. We are human and in that we are imperfect. In that imperfection lies a beauty that only real people can appreciate.

My boyfriend got a kick out of the title, “Head later”, he laughed. That was not my intent in the title, as he will come to see when he reads it. However, once he reads it he will see how it also ironically makes sense in that way as well. Eeek, it makes me nervous that he will read it but he loves me. Me, he loves me. I wouldn’t be me if not for all the lessons life taught me.

Heres to putting yourself out there and taking chances!! Follow your dreams and jump in Heart first, Head later! 😉