Love is hard, self-love is harder.

I often wondered who would love me.

After all the mistakes I made growing up, I was positive I had ruined my future.

I felt shame and embarrassment over the situations I had mishandled.

Who would love me after the mess I had made of my life?

Who would see me and then accept me for me?

Love is hard, self-love is harder.

I realized I needed to love me.

I needed to love me for getting through the difficult parts of my adolescence not only as a girl but also as a mother.

Mom life is hard enough as a grown woman now lets through in some immaturity, hormones and the need to find me, learn myself and love myself.

I made mistakes as a woman and a mother on my journey to finding myself.

I survived those mistakes; I turned those mistakes into lessons.

Lessons I can now share with my daughter, with my future children. I know they won’t listen, I’m not delusional but the wisdom I wish to offer is plentiful.

 

♥I live in love.

The type of love a mom receives. It’s no more, “Mommy come help me or mommy play Barbie’s with me.” It’s more, “Mom I need you to take me….” And “Mom, I’m going….” Or “Mom, I’m sorry I made a mistake.” I love my teenager for the strong-willed, independent, hard-headed person she is…even when she is directing that shitty attitude all teenage girls have, towards me.

 

♥I live in love.

The love only a man can give, a man who loves you and accepts you for who you were and who you are now. A man who gets his crazy, ridiculously loud and stubborn woman wouldn’t be who she is, if not for the shit she went through.

 

♥I live in love.

The love I feel for myself. The love I manifest in me.

Self-love is a remedy, a cure.

Take it and watch your situation flourish.

Always put your love on top.
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I woke up and I was in a different body…

How the fuck did I get here?

The room is unfamiliar, the bed, while incredibly comfortable smells like a man.

I dig my head into the pillow in an effort to identify the smell, unknown and yet so familiar.

My body feels different, heavier, sluggish, I touch my face in an attempt to make sure I am still me.

I slide my hands down to my breast, yup, still me.

I’ve been begging my boobs to grow since I hit puberty, they didn’t care how much I begged.

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The rest of me feels thicker, definitely not a size small anymore.

I must be in a different body, this can’t be me.

I lift my new heavier body out of bed and walk over to the huge mirror occupying the wall and there she is.

I woke up and I was in a different body.

I wonder if this new body has money in the bank… hmmm

She’s a little older than me but still very pretty, youthful in her face and neck.

Who is she and why does she seem so familiar.

I glance at the photographs that occupy her wall, a familiar face.

She is me. A different, older version but without a doubt, me.

It’s horrifying, where did my youth go and who the fuck said I wanted to be an adult!?

 

You guys ever feel like you woke up in a different body? Where the fuck did the time go and when did we become adults with responsibilities! Tell me, what is something that you wish you would have known before entering adulthood? I wish I would have known just how real it is when they say, MONEY DOESN’T GROW ON TREES! FML. Oh, and I would have listened when I was told to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!

I gave up my life for you.

At times I feel like I deserve a do over.

And then I feel guilty for thinking such things.

The weight of the world has always been on my shoulders.

To be a mom is God’s greatest gift, to be a single mom, perhaps a blessing and a curse.

When she gets restless and acts ungrateful I feel a resentment burn inside me.

I gave up my life for you, perhaps a better life and you wanna talk back to me? You wanna fight and argue with me when I say no.

A resentful feeling of frustration manifest inside of me and then the guilt comes, never far behind.

I can’t feel any other emotions because the guilt is always in the distance over shadowing any other sense of emotion.

I gave up my life for you and you don’t even realize it.

My time, my energy, my sense of control and my peace, never have I felt so vulnerable and helpless.

He calls and has a 30 minute conversation, gives you a couple bucks and he’s done his duty for the week perhaps the month and here I stand, disregarded and disrespected.

I gave up my life for you and I’m the bad parent.

I’m the one who hands out punishments and deals with the stress and the headaches, let’s not even talk about the heartaches.

I gave up another life for you, one where I’m selfish.

At times I feel like I deserve a do over.

A guilt manifests so deep inside that I can’t shake the idea of no you, no me.

He gave up nothing for you and somehow his guilt doesn’t consume him.

Somehow you can forgive him and love him despite it.

He feels no guilt, he feels no shame.

He feels no worry, no stress or heartbreak.

I gave up myself for you.

At times the weight is too hard to carry, at times too much to bear and so I cry.

I cry because I can’t control you and I worry.

You have no idea what the weight of the world feels like.

You have no idea, Life doesn’t offer a do over.

Self Published.

I recently self-published a book called, “Heart First, Head Later.”

Writing the book was a self-evolving process. I allowed myself to reminisce about my past and the experiences that broke me and helped me grow.

Writing is therapeutic for me and I’m sure many others. As a writer, I can only hope that what I am putting into the universe is acknowledged and appreciated.

When I first began the book it was not going to be based solely on my experiences but those of the women who I find myself learning from. I quickly realized that in order for me to express what other women have taught me, I first had to appreciate what I have taught myself.

“Heart First, Head Later” is my story, through poems and storytelling I allow you a glimpse into who I was and how I became the strong-minded, independent women I am today. This is the scariest thing I’ve ever done. I had a baby at 15 and compared to this, that was a piece of cake.

It is the scariest thing imaginable to put yourself out there for the world to see. To express your truths knowing not only people who do not know you will read it but also people who do know you. I am afraid of being judged for the mistakes I made in my youth, but I am willing to be judged if it will allow a woman or girl who feels like she is in it alone, know that she is not. No women should ever feel as though she is the only one. We have all done things and made mistakes. We are human and in that we are imperfect. In that imperfection lies a beauty that only real people can appreciate.

My boyfriend got a kick out of the title, “Head later”, he laughed. That was not my intent in the title, as he will come to see when he reads it. However, once he reads it he will see how it also ironically makes sense in that way as well. Eeek, it makes me nervous that he will read it but he loves me. Me, he loves me. I wouldn’t be me if not for all the lessons life taught me.

Heres to putting yourself out there and taking chances!! Follow your dreams and jump in Heart first, Head later! 😉