Expectations

I wanna know why we let our emotions get the better of us?

Why does a woman allow her heart to over power her mind?

We know when we are wrong, we know when we gotta let go and we truly know when we have to move on and yet we don’t.

Is it stubbornness?

Is it ego?

Is it love?

Who the fuck knows?

You do bitch. You know.

It’s you being a fuckin terca, throwing a fucking tantrum bc a man told you no.

Because you ain’t getting what you expected.

img_1140

Expectation is a tricky bitch.

Are you one of them that jumps from dude to dude with high expectations?

Are you a hopeless romantic?

Are you afraid of being alone?

It’s not them, it’s us.

Don’t expect a man to fix you.

Don’t expect a man to fix your life.

A man, a fiancé, a husband isn’t gonna fix shit.

Fix yourself so that when the right man comes along you won’t be expecting anything but genuine love from him and be wise enough to know that if he isn’t giving it willingly, he isn’t going to.

On the other end of that spectrum, when you know, you know.

Nothing, not time, not distance, not bumps in the road will steer you off track. You’ll make it, together.

And when I say bumps in the road I don’t mean infidelity or shit that you bring into the relationship. I mean the shit that is out of your control, things that happen in life that you are unprepared for.

Stop fighting for a man who can’t keep his dick in check. Or check yourself and stop giving your pussy to random dudes.

Keeping it real, we can be shady too.

Don’t bring in extra drama, relationships are hard enough without someone adding to the mix.

So again I ask, why do we allow our emotions to run shit? When your mind is clearly giving you the answers when your gut is screaming at you, why do we listen to our bleeding heart?

At the end of the day, the only person you should expect anything from is yourself.

You should expect yourself to be at peace when you’re alone.

You should expect yourself to pay your own damn bills.

You should expect yourself to know the difference between love and lust.

You should only expect greatness from yourself.

You.

Put you first and everything else will align.

giphy2

 

Advertisements

A letter to my younger self.

Dear Julie,

At some point in your life, you’re going to find yourself fighting for a man who isn’t yours. You will eventually realize that you took your bruised heart from one unworthy man to another. He will seem right but I promise you he is all wrong. You have let him go before and you will let him go again. He won’t make it easy to walk away, in fact, when you finally build the courage to let go he will pull you back in.

Being who you are and loving the way you do, you will let him.

You will make a million mistakes for him and because of him but don’t worry they won’t matter. They will allow you to learn yourself and grow into yourself. The men who come into your life after him will help you heal, also allowing you to learn about yourself. They will serve their purpose and then you will move on.

There will be a chapter in your life where you will find yourself alone but I promise you will find the light. All of your life experiences will serve you. You see, there is a man waiting for you. A man who will make you realize and help you understand why nothing else seemed to fit. This man will love you. YOU. Who you truly are. He will be the one to give you that final push into womanhood, allowing you to grow into yourself. He will treasure every bit of you, I promise. Your past, your present and your future, all a means to love you.

So, go ahead, live your life, love the way you love, make mistakes and learn your lessons. Your life will be all that you envisioned and all that you’ve desired. Be patient and humble, trust yourself and love yourself. Not only will you find the love of a real man but you will love you, unconditionally.

You will be one badass woman.

xo,

Your future self.

 

P.S.

Oh and this mom thing, you’ve got it handled but you should know the older she gets the more like you she will become, sort of.

giphy2

 

Amor o Costumbre?

Amor, Amor? Oh, solamente costumbre?

Do you know the difference between love and comfort?

The kind of comfort that offers a false sense of security.

The kind of comfort that is an everyday routine you’ve grown accustomed to?

To change it would be too difficult, too messy!

Some of us get stuck in this rut and we don’t even realize it’s a rut.

In Spanish, there is a saying of sorts, more of a question, “es amor, oh es costumbre?”

 

How do you know if you are in love or simply too comfortable to begin again?

pexels-photo-271897.jpeg

I get it, who wants to throw away years of faking it?

That’s what you’re doing, your faking it.

Stop it.

If you are simply in a relationship because it would take too much effort to remove yourself from it, you are fucking up your relationship with yourself. That’s the most important relationship of all.

If you have kids, what kind of example are you setting? I’m not judging, I get it, it’s hard but I also know that once you realize the reality of your relationship, you’ll be better off.

I once was an angry person, a negative person, a short-tempered person.

I was in the wrong relationship and I was hurting myself emotionally because I could not develop the courage to get out.

No, that’s a lie, I just didn’t want to start again. Even at a young age, the idea of starting over, all over with someone was so stressful that I didn’t want to do it.

I finally moved on and let go and I found myself.

I found me. The woman I was meant to be.

It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t boring either.

Life is meant to be lived and it’s too short to be lived comfortably.

Find someone who challenges you, who motivates you and pushes you.

Be someone who challenges, motivates and pushes.

How long are you going to hold onto the wrong type of love?

Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation?

Tell me how you overcame! (share, share!)

I got that Good, Good

My heart is full and YES, it is because of a man, my man.

Before I start please know that I am all for being independent and not needing a man to fulfill you BUT when you got a good man, you just gotta speak on it.

Let me GLOW. ♥♥

I’ve chosen a few select words to express my love for this man so that he and you all can fully understand

Grateful, I am beyond grateful to have him in my life, in our lives. I didn’t believe men like him existed, he is most definitely one of a kind. From his morals to his deepest thoughts, he is genuine and true. Which is why I worried about his reaction towards my recently self-published book, Heart First, Head Later, it’s all about my past, my sexual encounters and my struggles as a young girl becoming a woman. It’s real and raw and I wanted it to be that way so that women and young girls could relate and know that they are not alone in these struggles! Let’s be real, no man wants to know in such depth or detail about your past but I felt a calling for it, through it I could make a difference. Even if just one girl reads it and forgives herself for the mistakes of her past, I’ve accomplished what I set out to do. Would he get that? Would he accept that? I had a heart to heart with one of my soulmates and she said to me,

“Have Faith.”

Faith, if the word itself doesn’t make you smile, try to have a little faith, in anything, just make a real effort and see what comes of it.

She said to me, “Have Faith in God first, then have faith in him and your relationship.”

She was right, all I needed was a little faith, the same faith that carried us through our break up and that has carried us in our relationship thus far. We started out awkward, I was too pushy and he resisted, I can be overwhelming at times but I knew and he knew and we just let faith take the lead. God’s been very busy in our lives and I owe that to my faith. I’ll admit I don’t go to church, I cannot remember that last time I was in a church but my faith has never wavered.

My faith in him, my man, has only gotten stronger. He has given me all reasons to believe that he loves me and my kid, now his kid. He read my book, in one sitting, (It’s that juicy I guess.) he was not very happy with what he read and after we talked it out, he got it. He understood the purpose of it and he supports me in what I do. We are strong, we know who we are, together and apart. He is my best friend. (Don’t puke, it’s not that sappy!)

Appreciation, I mean, he has taken on my child as his own. The good, the bad and the really fucked up. My soon to be 18 year old is very much a handful, she ain’t easy but he takes things in stride, such patience and determination. He has motivated her to do so much,  she’s excited about college and her grades have seriously improved and while I would love to take credit for that, it was all him. I could list out a million reasons why I appreciate this man, but by far the most meaningful is his relationship with my mini.

Blessed, we truly are blessed. As two separate people, we have been blessed in life. Together, our blessings have only just begun. (See that’s faith.) Our families, his and mine, love us, love me, love him, they’re all waiting for that proposal moment…. (hint, hint!)

In all seriousness, we’ve been blessed to find each other and to keep our relationship together. Some people don’t realize what they have until they no longer have it, I know what I have. I know what is worth and I value it.

Maybe I’m just Lucky in love?

Maybe, or maybe God just has this planned out all along.

When you got that Good, Good man, love him, appreciate him, be grateful and have faith. Your blessings will come in abundance!

♥♥♥

To the woman who allowed my underage child to drink in her home.

What kind of mother are you?

To allow my child to be put at risk in your home.

To decide if she could have a drink or two or ten.

What kind of mother are you to allow another mothers child to be put in a situation where she cannot speak, stand, or be unconsciously unaware of her surroundings?

What kind of mother are you to watch a young woman drink in excess in a predominantly male environment?

What kind of mother are you to let her sit on your couch, unconscious and vulnerable?

 What kind of woman are you?

What kind of woman are you to watch and stand idly by, while another woman potentially endangers her life?

What kind of woman allows another woman to lower her self-awareness and not intervene?

What kind of woman is this?

The kind that becomes the type of mother who hasn’t got a clue.

The kind of woman who is the kind of mother who wants so desperately to be cool and young. Hip and in the crowd.

This is no real mother.

This is no real women.

She is a fraud.

A hazard.

A danger to womenkind.

A danger to your children and specifically to mine.

I could blame myself for allowing her to be in your home.

For trusting my child’s instincts.

I could blame myself but I blame you.

I am her mother.

She is my daughter.

How dare you put her future and her safety at risk!!

How dare you sit on the sidelines!!

How dare you influence her negatively!!

How dare you supply the evil that you supplied!!

How dare you not pick up the phone and call me!!

How dare you not intervene!!!

How dare you not call for help!!

You careless woman.

You careless mother.

What kind of mother are you?

I’m the kind of the mother that does not allow my child to be put at risk and sit idly by.

I’m the kind of mother that responds and reacts.

 A lioness full of fire.

 I’m the kind of mother whose child you should have never fucked with.

I’m the kind of mother who does not play childish games.

I’m the kind of mother who is an adult and capable of accepting that as an adult, I will handle the situation as such.

I’m the type of woman who does not care what it takes as long as justice is served for all women, specifically mine.

From the mother whose child, your recklessness put at risk.

Self-love is the most complicated love.

Love.

The word itself is complicated and yet simple.

A mothers love.

A fathers love.

The love of a spouse or significant other.

The love for your children.

Love.

Who do you love and why?

It’s usually pretty easy to answer that question.

You know why you love your significant other and why you love your kids.

You can quickly recall a story to express why you love your friends.

After all, you chose them.

What about you?

Do you love yourself?

What do you love about yourself?

What about you makes you special?

Do you have the ability to answer those questions without hesitation or do you have to think about it? Do you find yourself answering them and then doubting your own answers?

Self Love is the most complicated love.

We doubt our answers because we know ourselves better than anyone else. We figure that we deserve less and accept mediocre self-love.

Your deepest and darkest secrets come to mind and you believe that those things or situations make you less worthy of your own love!

I say to hell with that!!

So you had a one night stand or two, or three or four. Who cares!

So you cheated on your ex….again I say who cares.

You lied on your resume when you first started in your field. A little tweak here, another embellishment there, who hasn’t!

So your secrets go darker than that?

You’ve had an abortion, or two or three or four. Who the fuck cares.

Disclaimer; don’t use abortion as a form of birth control. These are my opinions, don’t hate me if you don’t agree.

You’ve had a threesome, with 2 men or another woman. Good for you! Fuck society and all their judgy standards!

You outed a family member, yikes but I’m sure they forgave you and you were truly sorry. And if you did that shit on purpose then fuck it, it’s done. You can’t change whats done, move forward.

You’re involved in an extramarital affair, now, currently, at this moment. Well, girl, you got some shit to figure out. So go ahead, figure it out.

All these situations should not impact your self-love.

YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON.

YOU ARE REAL.

YOU ARE A REAL FUCKIN WOMaN WITH REAL LIFE PROBLEMS AND SITUATIONS.

You’ll figure them out, you’ll get past them and forgive yourself if you haven’t already.

Don’t let that shit weigh you down. The past is the past.

Self Love is the most complicated love, it’s also the most rewarding.

Love. La la la la Love. YOURSELF.

In my past…

Ladies and Gents, the Preface to my soon to be released book, “Heart First, Head Later”

Preface

In my past, I was quick to run, run my mouth, run up my credit cards, run my car into your car… You know, that kind of shit. I have learned that things are made worse with overreacting and that words cannot be erased, whether they are spoken or written. I have embarrassed myself and made mistakes that cannot be taken back. I have made my life and others lives more complicated than they needed to be. I have been selfish, unkind and ugly. I am now a more mature version of who I used to be but she, she still lives deep inside me. She, the girl who became the woman I am today. She sleeps calmly, peacefully dreaming of the antics she once created and the drama she devoured. Reminiscing on the way she lived like no one was watching and as if only she mattered. I keep her happy, letting her come out to play every once in a while. Letting her scream and cry, letting her yell and flip off drivers who piss me off. She gets out every now and then and I have to remind her that I got this and I am in control. She who used to be me, she lives deep inside me… waiting in slumber in case she is ever needed again.

Heart First, Head Later

Positivity?

I try to be a positive person but I’m real.

I have been working on myself, my finances and my health.

2018 will be my year, I’m speaking (writing) it into existence right here, right now.

I have been working on a passion project that will hopefully inspire women and be something they can relate to. A book of truths and poetry, I have just completed my 100th draft, not really but it feels that way. I think I’m changing the title, again. This one will stick, it kind of created itself from the work.  I’m doing all this while working a full-time job, property management, its how I pay the bills, for now. (fingers crossed.)

While doing me, I am also attempting to live life with my significant other. We’re saving money to buy a house, get married, have some babies, you know real adult type stuff.

As I mentioned before I’m a property manager by day and one of the perks is that I don’t pay rent.

I know, hate me, it’s awesome.

You’re probably thinking that I’m close to achieving my financial goals, the short answer is …

Fuck no!

I hate to admit it but I’m so broke. Don’t get me wrong my bills are paid and the fridge is stocked but I do not have the financial freedom I should. I kick myself in the ass whenever I do the math, I’ve been a property manager with the same company for 9 years. 😦

I have taken steps to produce more income, one of my favorites is selling stuff on apps like Poshmark. They’re not paying me to tell you about them but if they’d like to, I’m open to it!  🙂

In all seriousness, a super easy app to manage and so safe. No meeting up with people just ship the item(s) off. Buyer pays shipping and Poshmark takes a small fee, check it out if you have clothing, shoes or accessories you no longer use.

I’ve also had to cut my daily Starbucks trip, that in itself leaves me with extra money.

Trust me when I say I’ve beaten myself up over the situation I put myself in.

I tell myself that I need to take things one day at a time.

I cannot stress over what I cannot change.

So much easier said then done but I will achieve my goals and I will get financially healthy!!

Any tips? What are your motivations for making 2018 your best year yet?